When guys are asked whom they would marry if given the choice, some go with swimsuit models like Heidi Klum or Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. Sports nuts have a predilection towards Russian “tennis player” Anna Kournikova. As for me, I’m a sports guy, and I’m in love with a blond haired, blue-eyed beauty, too. But not Kournikova. Her name: Melissa Stark. Her job: sideline reporter for Monday Night Football. My goal in life: to marry her. She’s successful, she’s fine as hell, and she knows more about football than you do.
When Al Michaels says those eight words every Monday night-“Let’s go down to Melissa for a report,”-the goose bumps start to rise. As the camera shines on her, the Allman Brothers start playing in my head: “Knowing many, loving none/Bearing sorrow, having fun but back home he’ll always run/To sweet Melissa.”
She is perfect in every way. As a friend of mine put it in a drunken plea while we were at a Redskins game, “Melissa, I want to bear your children!” Yes, my friend, I have to agree with you on that one.
She’s smart. She could name every starting quarterback in the National Football League. Now that’s intelligence. Melissa also graduated Phi Beta Kappa from the University of Virginia with a double major in Foreign Affairs and Spanish. Thirty-two quarterbacks, though—that takes brains.
She’s patient. To be able to put up with John Madden’s mindless drivel for three hours is a feat worth noting in itself. And imagine when big John gets a little too drunk at company dinners. Who do you think he’s going to start spitting game to? But can you really blame the guy?
She’s hot. So, so hot. Hansel hot. While she finished second to CBS’s Jill Arrington in Playboy’s “Sexiest Sports Reporter” poll, keep in mind that 47 year-old “Hurricane Hair” Hannah Storm finished third. Fox’s Jillian Barbieri and the always popular Summer Sanders finished fifth and eighth respectively, which shows you how warped that poll was.
She’s versatile. Not many women could pull off looking good in a burly parka in sub-zero temperatures in Green Bay, and the next week wear a blue tank top and white pants combo to perfection in Miami.
Melissa Stark and her female compatriots are blazing a new trail in sports. They stick out like sore thumbs on the side of the field, but nobody’s complaining. It’s nice to see something in tight clothing besides 300-pound offensive linemen with cottage cheese thighs. According to USA Today, Melissa Stark is one of 127 women who hold on-air sports positions with one of the three major networks and nine prominent cable networks. Sorry ladies, come football time your boyfriends are going to be paying even less attention to you. But feel free to comment on how cute Melissa’s outfits are. Definite bonus points there.
Melissa Stark is the ideal woman, but even the ideal woman has to have a few imperfections. First off, she’s married. His name: Michael Lilley. His job: bond trader. My goal in life: to spread false rumors about him and marry his wife. She was young and naive; I can forgive her for that. Melissa’ second imperfection is that she lives in New Jersey. This one’s a little tougher to swallow, but as long as she doesn’t plan on living in Jerz for much longer I can let it slide.
If you’re still not convinced that Melissa Stark is everything a man could ever want and then some, I’ll end with a quote from Melissa herself. “On our second date, [Michael] thought he should ask me to dinner,” she told USA Today. “So I called him up, and I was like, ‘Hey, you want to watch football and just hang out?’”
Amen.
