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Goes down hard
I’ll let you in on a little secret: she’s definitely faking it.
It’s really illogical to expect anyone to enjoy something that lasts only two seconds and burns like hell. And yet, the sad fact of the matter is that almost every college-aged woman is obsessed with taking shots. While in the midst of the act, every one of them pretended it was the most exhilarating moment of her life, as if God himself had coated her throat with ambrosia, squeezed by angels from the flowers of his celestial garden.
In reality, drinking one and a half ounces of straight liquor at once feels pretty much like you’re being shot in the gut by a Bolshevik execution squad. And whoever told you that a shot has fewer calories than beer was flat-out lying, just like when they told you that your favorite dress fit the same as it did before you started eating your feelings.
The time for change has come, dear readers; mixed drinks are the change we can believe in.
A simple douse of Coke over vodka and ice may satisfy the banal mixed drinker, and I suppose this is acceptable, if a bit unimaginative. But for those who believe in savoring their spirits and the company of their drinking fellows, I suggest a few more inspired options.
There is always, of course, wine or beer (a glass or can of either one of these beverages contains as many calories as a shot), but for some inexplicable reason, many drinking neophytes dislike the taste of these two options. The alternative? Rustle up some Diet Coke and a bottle of cheap red wine and mix the two in equal proportions. Sound atrocious? So does straight Burnett’s, you fool. Actually, wine and Coke ain’t too shabby (though vino purists will shudder at these words) and if you don’t like caffeinated beverages, substitute white wine for red, add some Sprite, and voila! It’s the college version of that garden party favorite, the wine spritzer.
Now, as fun as it is to gargle peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in lieu of Listerine before you go out, one must admit that it is a little gauche, not to mention potentially disastrous to that ensemble you borrowed from your anal-retentive roommate. Do yourself and everyone involved a favor and mix that schnapps with some crème de cacao-same chocolatey taste, fewer stains, and happier campers.
Feeling celebratory, all you young politicos? Why not pick up a bottle of André, everyone’s favorite $5 sparkling wine, and a bottle of Towne-brand peach schnapps and have yourself a Bellini? Sure boys, it’s a little girly, but then again, so are those dumb scarves that all of you seem to be wearing these days. Pick your battles.
Really, the world is your oyster, and anything that is liquid and non-toxic is fair game in the art of mixology. There is hope at the bottom of that shot glass, and let the call for change ring out from the dank halls of Darnall to the crowded clusters of Harbin to the endless corridors of New South:
Yes we can.
Bend the arc of Clare’s history at firstname.lastname@example.org.