The gender spectum spans more than just pink and blue

A few years ago, when I was coloring with my nephew, he asked me which crayon I wanted to use. I chose purple, saying, “It’s my favorite color.” He picked up pink, and said “I love pink, it’s my favorite color.” Unconventional, but who really cares? Two weeks later he came back, and reported that pink was no longer his favorite color. Only girls like pink. That particular wavelength of light had been designated effeminate.

Incidents like these are common among my nephew and other young boys. Their parents’ instructions go something like this: “Don’t whine, you sound like a girl.” “Don’t hit that hard because, as girls, it hurts them more.” I have seen households divided along gender lines. When the boys play with their fathers outside, the girls stay inside. And sadly, it all seems too normal.

Feminist movements have been fighting for equality between the sexes for well over a century. Disregarding the most radical feminist agendas, most of their demands are for equal rights, equal pay, and equal perceptions. Yet women still consistently earn, on average, less than men do, and experience a stressful and sometimes shameful decision between work and motherhood.

While it is helpful for feminist groups to educate the public and lobby Congress, some of the most basic aspects of gender roles are determined by upbringing. Everything that differs between two newly born babies relies on their sex. You find out what their gender is, and you buy clothes, choose the wallpaper, and pick the toys. This is on an either/or basis: pink or blue, flowers or trucks, dolls or footballs. Parents discourage boys from crying and encourage them to be aggressive. At the same time, they teach girls to keep from getting dirty and to admire material beauty. When these kids reach adulthood, their upbringings contribute to damaging dating stereotypes, and form a rift in healthy communication due to a difference in emphasized emotions and goals.

I accept that, as a child, I loved my Barbie dolls and Breyer horses. I wore itchy dresses made of tulle, I didn’t play catch, I really did want that pony, and my room was painted lavender. Girls ruled, boys drooled—I loved being a girl. And now it’s a little bit awkward. My actions are often mocked because they are considered typical of my sex, rather than something I sincerely emanate. Even in today’s aggressive job industry, I’m supposed to be kind and meek, not tough.

At this age, I’m beginning to feel a conflict between my femininity and my life as a person. I frequently feel the need to translate something that makes perfect sense to me into less “girly” terms that my boyfriend can understand. In other fields, I need to find a way to translate my upbringing as a lamb to running with the lions. I could reject my femininity on principle. I could refuse to use the hour before I start my day to primp and do makeup, like my male colleagues, who just need to remember deodorant. I admit, though, that I like to look nice. But why is that specific to women?

The first difference between the sexes is, of course, biological. Many gender differences arise because of the different anatomy and hormone concentrations involved in each sex. But frequently, gendered traits are learned rather than inherited—as children, we not only follow our parents’ instruction, but we imitate their actions. How parents interact with each other greatly influences the gender expressions of their children. The media’s interpretation of family gender roles has compounded this influence. The family comedic sitcom consists of a dysfunctional relationship between the husband and wife, who often joke about each other’s desires and actions and largely deal in gender stereotypes.

I am not suggesting we raise our children to be sexually ambiguous—they’re not. I only propose that we think about why pink is only for girls, and why boys can play pretend with little plastic animals but not little plastic people. Parents must recognize that how they raise and discipline their children affects their views about the sexes. These silly distinctions should not exist, and my adorable little nephew should like whatever wavelength of visible light that pleases him.

Addressing these differences in child rearing and why society so strongly enforces them is paramount to creating a more receptive audience of policy-makers and to gaining ground on the feminist movement. If parents want their daughters to have all their options open and to possess every talent that they will need, parents need to stop raising them to only be adorable. People may be born a certain sex, but they get to decide their own degree of masculinity or femininity. And who knows? Maybe my nephew just has great taste.