You’ve got issues: Dear Emlyn, Put a sock in it

By:
10/24/2012

Dear Emlyn,

So there’s this guy. I really like him, and he’s established in multiple ways that he likes me, but he’s failing to take our attracted-friends relationship any further. This weekend, he’s going to be dressing up for Halloween as a really slutty Scarecrow, with some of his friends going as slutty Tin Man and Lion. They also have a Dorothy, which is some other girl–a.k.a. not me. I feel really jealous that he’s not mine, and he’s going to be going around strutting his stuff and I can’t even be a part of their group. What do I do?

—Unsexy Dorothy :(

Dear Unsexy,

Well, you know how the saying goes—if you’re not in his Halloween costume group, he doesn’t love you and you will die alone. I suggest staying in this Halloween weekend, watching The Notebook alone, and crying into your Pillow Pet. After all, what’s the point in celebrating a holiday when you can’t spend it clicking your heels and trying to make “There’s no place like home,” sound really sexy? Who needs candy from trick or treating when you can buy your own pints of Ben and Jerry’s?

On the other hand, no one really says, “If you’re not in his Halloween costume group, he doesn’t love you and you will die alone.” That’s because the saying is fucking stupid. Don’t let this ruin your lovely Halloween season, or even your day—you are over-thinking something that this guy probably hasn’t thought about for more than five seconds. The good news is that going as Dorothy to a Halloween party is way overdone; you’ll probably stand out more to him if your costume is a bit more eccentric—think Cady Herring à la Mean Girls. Just an idea. Ask what parties he’s going to and make an appearance at a few, but overall just have fun with your friends and make it the best Halloween possible.  Wallowing is about the only thing less sexy than a slutty Scarecrow Halloween costume.

Dear Emlyn,

I walked in on my roommate doing the dirty and I got really upset and sort of enraged. I feel bad for doing that—I mean, it is college, and people are going to have fun. Sure, she should have warned me and could have avoided my freak out, but it’s too late and now things are awkward between us. The awkwardness is because I got so mad, not really because of what she did. How do I resolve this issue?

—Roommateus interruptus

Dear Roommateus,

Ah, college—a time of intellectual stimulation and awkward encounters with naked people. I must compliment you because in the wake of your surprise discovery you seem to understand something that a lot of people probably miss in situations like this. People—yes, including your roommate—are going to have sex in college, and yes, probably in your room! Accept this immediately and be ready to confront it, because it’s not going to matter all that much whether you want your roommate to be doing the dirty or not. If she wants to and has a willing partner, things are going to go down. Chances are, she can’t help it—everyone knows the soft lighting and subtle décor of a New South room are some of nature’s strongest aphrodisiacs.

So good for you, Roommateus. Realizing that the problem here lies not in the sex itself but in your roommate’s failure to notify you about what’s going on in the room is a big step, and now that you understand this you can hopefully avoid a major freak out if (God forbid) it happens again.

Talk about what happened ASAP, and don’t worry about it being too awkward. Out of respect for your roommate’s sex life, you shouldn’t have freaked out, but out of decency and respect for you, she shouldn’t have kept you uninformed. You’re both in the wrong in some sense, so the talk won’t be that bad because you both should be apologetic. Set up some sort of communication plan for the next time either of you wants the room, like texting, “Hey, can I have the room for an hour?” or scrawling a secret message on a hanging whiteboard.

The only other thing I can think of is hanging a sock on the doorknob, although I’m not sure how well that would work. People (or washing machines) can steal socks, you know? Even so, some swear by it—my dad says he used the sock method faithfully, making it number one on the list of things I wish I never knew.

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Emlyn Crenshaw


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