Metro is at it again. No longer content to oppress the masses of D.C. through the enforcement of open container laws, underage curfews, and that pesky handgun ban, this month D.C.’s police will be cracking down on a new segment of our population that includes teachers, firemen, heroes and even you and me—jaywalkers. As part of the “Street Smart” campaign Metro is participating in, these ordinary citizens could find themselves slapped with an unjust $20 dollar ticket for merely saving time. D.C. residents must unite and fight this injustice, one illegal crossing at a time.
This un-American policy must not stand. This country was founded upon the principles of individualism and liberty. If Thomas Jefferson were alive today, he’d be the first to zip across M St., crosswalk or not, to keep a date with his baby’s mama. The right to jaywalk isn’t in the Constitution, but neither is the right to suspend habeas corpus or arbitrarily wiretap citizens, and you don’t see Metro giving the President a $20 ticket. If this ordinance is enforced, the terrorists have already won.
The only group of people who would support implementing pedestrian rules is the elderly. And they’re right—walking across the street can be a challenge for fogies, especially if you have a bad hip, blurred vision and a broken walker. When the old folks can’t make it to the other side of the sidewalk before the walking man sign turns red, they make Metro bus drivers look bad. So enforce the law for the people over 75—fine them on their first offense, send them to the old-people’s home on the second.
These days, speed is the name of the game. As walkers everywhere else in the world speed up, Metro is slowing our pedestrians down by making them wait for the walk signal. Before you know it, you’ll be unemployed and some upstart in India will be doing your job for a third of the price, crossing the street wherever he pleases.
Martin Luther King, Jr. once wrote, “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.” This law does not just oppress D.C.’s citizens, it oppresses each and every American citizen. Georgetown students, young professionals, older residents, annoying tourists, rise forth and unite! Cross every non-intersection you can find in this city until the agents of intolerance are defeated and jaywalking is persecuted no more.
