1. Duke
“He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals.”
Coach K certainly reigns supreme in the world of college basketball. Year after year he seems to mold national stars out of clay. J.J. Redick will continue to assault the heavens with his angelic jump-shot while Sheldon Williams punishes opponents in the paint. Lee Melchionni and Sean Dockery rise to more prominent roles. Duke’s diaper-dandies are also unparalleled. Josh McRoberts has National Freshman of the Year written all over him, and Greg Paulus will see time at the point. This season, the Devils will be Gods.
2. Texas
“News Team assemble!”
The Longhorns deserve this spot because of the solid unit they have returning, after losing in the first round of the Tourney to Nevada. LaMarcus Aldridge, P.J. Tucker, Brad Buckman and Daniel Gibson will reassemble along with some new faces this season. Look for Texas in the late rounds come March.
3. Connecticut
“Ron, I’d be surprised if the affiliates were concerned over the lack of an old, old wooden ship, but nice try.”
UConn has the looks of a champion. Even without Charlie Villanueva, they have the experience in Rashad Anderson, Denham Brown and Josh Boone. Their most talented asset is sophomore Rudy Gay. However, Coach Calhoun’s concern this year will be over his lack of a proven point guard. And who knows, maybe a Civil War ship too.
4. Michigan
State
“You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.”
Now don’t get us wrong. There is definitely nothing dirtbagish about the Spartans. It was only five years ago that MSU won the big one with Mateen Cleaves. Since then they have always suited up a highly touted unit, reaching the Final Four twice. Tom Izzo once again has the tools headed by Paul Davis and the explosive duo of Shannon Brown and Maurice Ager.
5. Oklahoma
“Let the games begin, eh ooh!!”
Kelvin Sampson would love to get his Sooners on the court sooner rather than later. And with the group he’s got coming back this year, we can’t blame him. Taj Gray is one of the best players in the Big 12, and he has Kevin Bookout and Terrell Everett at his side. The transfer of Drew Lavender hurt the squad, but Oklahoma is raving about transfer Nate Carter. Watch out for Sampson’s son Kellen to progress throughout the season too.
6. Louisville
“But now I am … I am too hurt … I … I am … and shocked … and, and offended … and, and hurt.”
Hurt is the preseason story for Louisville, with respect to both their depth and health. The team lost key players in Francisco Garcia and Ellis Myles, who helped lead them to the Final Four last season. David Padgett and Juan Palacios, however, are coming back from summer injuries. With these two healthy and Taquan Dean raining in big baskets, the Cards can shock a new Big East.
7.Villanova
“Let’s go see if we can make this little kitty purr.”
These Wildcats are sure to make the ‘Nova fans purr with delight all season. Many threats will prowl the court for Villanova. Randy Foye, Allan Ray, Jason Frasor, Mike Nardi and Kyle Lowry all return from last year’s breakout squad that was knocked out of the Tournament by eventual champ North Carolina. Their only setback is the torn ACL of stand-out Curtis Sumpter, which could be worse than having to wear Sex Panther by Odeon for every game.
8. Gonzaga
“You’re like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.”
It’s time to drop the Cinderella label for the Bulldogs. Coach Mark Few has enjoyed March Madness for seven years now. He has always had a hairy Buddha to carry him there, from Dan Dickau to Ronny Turiaf. This season it will be a not so miniature one by the name of Adam Morrison.
9. Kentucky
“Milk was a bad choice!”
Randolph Morris made a bad choice when he declared for the NBA draft. The Wildcats are still awaiting a ruling on his eligibility, which could make or break their championship hopes.
10. Arizona
“We’ve been coming to the same party for 12 years, and in no way is that depressing.”
Quick, name the last time Arizona missed the Tournament. Having trouble? That’s because they’ve made it 21 one years in a row! With Hassan Adams and Mustafa Shakur leading the Wildcats, let’s keep on counting.
11. Boston College
“Bark twice if you’re in Milwaukee.”
Where are the Eagles? They are busy trying to forget about their disappointing second round loss to Wisconsin-Milwaukee last year. BC has two tough studs in Craig Smith and Jared Dudley, who will make sure opponents won’t forget them.
12. Stanford
“You wanna dance Ronny? I wanna polka.”
Stanford has been dancing for 11 years straight. Now they hope to dance their way to a national title that has eluded them since 1942. They just might have a shot as Chris Hernandez, Matt Haryasz and Dan Grunfeld can lead them through any vicious cock fight.
13. Alabama
“Hey everyone! Come and see how good I look.”
The nation has recognized how good this team from Tuscaloosa can be. Chuck Davis and Jermareo Davidson are top players in the SEC and will cause havoc down low for the Crimson Tide’s opponents.
14. Memphis
“Today we spell redemption R-O-N.”
In Memphis they will be spelling it D-A-R-I-U-S. All-American Darius Washington and the Tigers are looking for redemption after Washington missed the last two of three foul shots that would have won the Conference-USA Tournament and a NCAA bid. With an athletic squad like this and no more Louisville, even Wes Mantooth better look out.
15. Syracuse
“I’m lonely? I’m not lonely.”
Don’t be tricked. Gerry McNamara is all alone. There is no more Carmelo Anthony. No more Hakim Warrick. But then again, McNamara is beloved by everyone in San Diego, errr, upstate New York.
16. Maryland
“What can I say? I like the way you’re put together.”
The Voice likes the way the Terps are put together: Nik Caner-Medley, Chris McCray, Travis Garrison, Ekene Ibekwe and D.J. Strawberry. And don’t sleep on Mike Jones. Who? Mike Jones!
17. Wake Forest
“Well, I’ll be! Ron Burgundy! He’s back!
The Demon Deacons are thrilled to have center Eric Williams back for his senior year after he flirted with the draft. However, Wake won’t be getting phenom Chris Paul back as he will be reporting the news for the New Orleans Hornets.
18. Iowa
“I don’t know how to put this, but…I’m kind of a big deal.”
Iowa knows exactly how to put it. The Hawkeyes will show other teams that they are a big deal with their plethora of leather-bound scoring options starting with Greg Brunner, Jeff Horner and Adam Haluska.
19. UCLA
“No. Hold on. It’s clear now. We go into the bear pit.”
These Bruins are a team that all teams should fear jumping onto a court with. Four starters return, but preseason injuries will UCLA may hurt them in the early going.
20. Indiana
“Hey Ron, I’m riding a furry tractor.”
No tractors necessary for the Hoosiers. Even furry ones. Indiana plans on riding one of the best frontcourts all the way to March.
21. Iowa State
“Brian, I’m going to be honest with you. That smells like pure gasoline.”
Expect basketball courts across the country to fill with the formidable scent of gasoline after the Cyclones get through with them. The run-and-gunning Curtis Stinson and Will Blalock will be burning nylon and stinging nostrils nonstop. In a good way.
22. Illinois
“Excuse-moi numero two.”
Remember when the Fighting Illini were runners-up last year? Say good-bye. Without Deron Williams and Luther Head, Champaign should feel lucky to have Dee Brown back. Maybe we’ll see them around the bend.
23. Nevada
“No, not her. I don’t know her name. What is it?”
Fazekas? Yes, you should know who he is. Nick Fazekas and Nevada will be better known than sheep’s wool come March.
24. George Washington
“I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.”
The Colonials are looking for their second invitation to the pants, um, NCAA Tournament in a row. Senior forward Papa Burgundy, errr, I mean Pops Mensah-Bonsu will lead them and certainly won’t decline this invite.
25. Washington
“What? Network? Are they here?”
What? Nate Robinson? Is he here? Nope. The Huskies still have a solid group, but they undoubtedly will miss Robinson and his 16-plus points a game.
