The Sports Sermon

By the

February 8, 2001

The Sermon is going all over this week. Sorry about skipping the Saved by the Bell thing by the way; we got a little disturbed after thinking about Jesse Spano skitzing out on caffeine pills. (“I’m so excited! I’m so … scared.”)

But we’re refreshed, we’re better, we’re beautiful. Here’s why:

Have you been reading Da Bettin’ Line lately? First of all, we picked the Ravens. There was peer-pressure like no other to pick the Giants. Sehorn even called us up and told us he would break our ankles if we didn’t predict a New York victory. Well, you know where we’re going with this joke. (“Ironically, it was Sehorn who got his ankles broken! Get it? Hahaha!”) Sorry. We’re no Margaret Cho.

We picked Carolina over Duke in Cameron. Who’s your daddy, Battier? The Serm is. And that Haywood fella?he’s not bad this year (uh, we picked it). We prophesied North Carolina as one of the top five programs in the country way back in October, but when they fell out of the Top Ten, where were you? Now they’re back on top, just like we said.

The Voice picked UCLA as one of the best teams in the country too, and while that didn’t work out as nice as we had planned, they did come back and smack down those pretty-boys in Palo Alto. So we have a nose for potential (see Earl “the New Pearl” Watson).

And after the Knicks got Othella, we predicted immediate success. Then, all of a sudden, New York takes down the Heat in Miami.

So basically, while you be pissy like a urinal, our illness is terminal. It’s all in Pete Rose Central.

They’re haven’t been Sermons like this since Cotton Mather, and it looks like we’re bringing a whole new set of revelations to the sports world. (By the way, did you know that Cotton Mather’s brother was named Increase. Imagine being named Increase. Hmm …)

But we’ll quit predicting while we’re ahead. Even though Mel Kuiper, Jr. sweats us more than a fat girl in gym class, we’ll maintain our integrity.

Actually, forget that. Here’s our 2001: Rod Strickland named MVP, Hoyas No. 1, and the Brewers in five. Yeah.

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