The Sports Sermon

By the

March 1, 2001

It has been said many times before, but we hate Duke (henceforth: Dook). So after Maryland went into Cameron on Tuesday and exacted ACC revenge on the Blue Devils, tears of elated joy seeped from our glands. We offered libations to the gods in commemoration of the slain devils. You’ve read the basketball issue. You’ve read Pete Rose Central. So you know we hate Dook. But it hasn’t been outlined in quite a while why exactly we have such disdain for the satan-spawn that is Dork University.

While the hatred is undefined and often-times unexplainable, it is certain that Dook was created for one purpose?to be an enemy to what is right and virtuous in this beautiful world. Thus, they have taken on the name of mankind’s greatest foe: the devil. Satan be damned.

Now, defining the reasons for such abhorrence can prove difficult. Coach K has a small, rodent-like mouth. Their students are the ultimate carpet-baggers, travelling to North Carolina for a canned and “quaint” southern experience, even though the only thing to do in Durham is go bowling and eat at Roy Rogers.

In short, Dook is made up of arrogant punks from Long Island who attend college for grade inflation and bandwagon basketball.

We hate Dook because the refs love them. We hate Dook because UNC’s tradition is so much greater, despite what Vitale says. Grant Hill almost came to Georgetown. Coach K can recruit, he can’t coach. They play dirty, yet their program is called cleaner than the Virgin Mary.

We would like to thank all of those who have made Dook’s recent failures possible: Elton Brand, Providence College, back problems, Wahoo fans, Terps and Tar Heel Blue. Even UConn. Hopefully, with your help and our hatred, Dook will never again reach a final four.

Smug bastards.

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