The Sports Sermon

By the

March 22, 2001

The Serm wondered about its past this week, and when we say wondered, we of course mean that we had to question where exactly we were during the 1970s. Why, you ask? Because this entire week felt like a bad trip.

First, we’re boarding one of those GUTS buses on Monday night to head downtown and meet with Ted Koppel to discuss the state of college journalism when some fool behind us starts talking about MJ … and the Knicks … and more specifically, MJ doing up the Knicks, year after year after binge-drinking year. The Serm (which is to say this week’s Serm) grew up in New York during Chicago’s glory days, and let us tell you: history textbooks make the Depression out to be a bad time only because historians didn’t live in New York throughout much of the 1990s.

So as we sat sobbing in the corner of a GUTS bus, we also flashed-back to New Orleans, La., the first-round site of the South Regional. If you haven’t thrown this paper down in disgust by now and screamed “F’n South!” you are clearly either blind, staring at Matt Witmer or not a college basketball fan.

The South destroyed us all, especially because about a quarter of those in our pool selected UNC to win it all, and then the Crispin Brothers swished and dished their way into the collective heart of Los Estados Unidos. And Billy Donovan is proving to be the new Rick Pitino, in the sense that he’s entirely over-rated. Kevin Lyde still weighs several hundred pounds.

The Serm was offered tickets to Anaheim this weekend to see our Hoyas-and in the case of some we know, our Bearcats-play in the West Regional semifinals against the hated Maryland Turtles. The offer was put on the table by the true “Ticketmaster,” a Voice legend in his own right, who scared The Serm when he promised us free tickets to the event, then asked for the country phone code for Israel. Who does this kid know?

The fact of the matter is, Steve Blake is white. No team with a white point guard can truly win the NCAA Tournament, and we figure, they may as well lose on Thursday. So that gets our boys to the Elite Eight. If KSatt and the Bearcats happen to roll on by the Cardinal (not plural, mind you, not plural), look for Pete Hamby having an epiletic fit somewhere around the fishbowl on Saturday afternoon. Now if the Left Coasters advance, all we need to win is 35 points and 22 rebounds from Boumtje-squared. The last time that happened was somewhere around 1987 in Cameroon, so don’t hold out much hope.

But if Casey Jacobsen decides to hook up with a nice coed who happens to have mono before the game, and we do advance, you can count on two things: The Serm, and the boys behind it, will be in the Great North treating ourselves to Twins season previews and the annual high school basketball coaches convention; and Matt Hopkins will be somewhere in Tulsa, Oklahoma, lamenting flying on prop planes.

It’s March … so it’s Madness.

Serm rules

Dear Reader,
Had you read Voice Sports last week, you would have picked Utah State, Temple, Butler, Missouri, Kansas, Cincinnati, Hampton, and, of course, Georgetown. Then you would probably be winning your pool, and you would be happy. You wouldn’t be whining that your 11-year-old sister is beating you.
?The Management

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