The Sports Sermon

By the

March 29, 2001

As Talib Kweli says, we’re about to “carry on like et cetera.”

First things first: Final 4. Not too exciting, at least not as cool as last year. Maryland finally played well for 40 minutes, which was pretty much the only way they were going to beat Stanford. This sets up a Duke-Maryland national semifinal, so get ready to watch J-Will make Steve Blake his own red-headed stepchild. (Note: The Sermon was informed by a member of the GU Band that he witnessed Steve Blake in a Denny’s while in Anaheim for the Sweet 16. We can conclude that Blake is either a racist or now has food-poisoning, neither of which is good for Maryland.) The Serm leaves you to draw your own conclusions about this matchup, but we would like to remind you that cheering for Duke may entail castration.

On the other side of the bracket, there’s Arizona and Michigan State. Loren Woods finally showed that his name ain’t Lauren, and Luke Walton proved that he has no taste when it comes to getting tattoos. But his dad is a complete idiot so we won’t hold it against him. Michigan State is really big, though, Loren Woods is not, and that will balance Arizona’s backcourt. Choose life. Choose the Spartans.

And another thing?The Sporting News picked A-Rod to win AL MVP, and the sell-out graces their cover, too. The Serm here declares, out of hate and spite, that A-Rod will be named to our “All-Lucifer Team,” along with Troy Murphy and Jim Gray. The mag picked the Yanks to win the World Series, though, as did SI and ESPN. Jeter’s on the cover of SI trying to bling-bling even though he’s half-Irish. But he’s still cooler than Pay-Rod.

A bunch of guys are also picking the Reds to finish third or fourth in the NL Central. To them we offer eleven syllables: healthy Larkin, settled Griffey, Pokey Reese. Eat it.

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