The Sports Sermon

By the

May 3, 2001

Note from the vessel

As the first prophet to speak the good word of The Sermon, I have tried as hard as possible to remain true to The Sermon’s vision of the world. I am certain that I have made some translation errors in sending out the Sermon’s edicts. However, there are few Sermonic positions that are set in stone and can never be misinterpreted. Even a flawed vessel can’t mess these up. In my final translation, I will lay those out for you, the faithful.

Permanent Edicts

If anyone ever claims that The Sermon has changed its mind about these on these, you can be certain that you’re dealing with a false prophet, and you should respond with an exorcism.

One: As long as Allen Iverson plays for the Philadelphia ‘76ers, the Sixers will be the Sermon’s favorite team. The Sermon is aware of all that Iverson has done wrong; it’s all covered by his alum privilege.

Two: Fun is good. We dig fun. Sports are supposed to be fun. They shouldn’t be taken too seriously. If a famous athlete wins something big, it’s all right to let the mind loose. If a player is smokin’ his J on the court, we endorse having just as much fun off the court. If Kevin Braswell brings home an NCAA title next year, he has our permission to have as much fun as he wants. Just don’t hurt anybody.

Note: We’re not talking Shawn Kemp or Roy Tarpley-style wrecking your life. We’re talking about fun.

Three: Whenever Georgetown beats Notre Dame, it is a major religious event. Whenever Georgetown loses to Notre Dame, it’s an accident.

Four: Rock.

Five: Everyone should have worn black yesterday.

Six: Sports can be political, but we reserve the right to get the a-political blues.

Seven: We hate Duke a lot.

7b: We hate the New York Rangers and Kobe Bryant.

Eight: Anyone that says “Give me your damn tacos” is open to ridicule.

Nine: Sermonic Heroes are special.

10: Here’s one more Sermonic Hero: Mike Sweetney. He’s tall. He also rocks the rim.

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