The Sports Sermon

By the

September 13, 2001

Where to begin ?

First off, Brit-poppers Travis remixed their single “Sing” on Sunday after Barry Bonds popped off three homers at Enron, bringing his total to 63. It goes a little something like this:

“Barry/You’ve been going so crazy/Lately/Everything seems to be going right/ …

“Solos/You’ve been hitting so many solos/You’re so/You’ve been waiting in the shadows to long/ …

“But if you swing, swiiiing/Swing, swing, swing, swing/ …

“For the love you bring won’t mean a thing/Unless you swing, swing, swing, swing …”

Go ahead. Pop in “The Invisible Band” and sing along. Turn it up next time it comes on M2 (If you have cable, which we don’t. Damn the man.)

Sing along as Barry defies the odds and takes on Mark McGwire, the gum-smacking hero of white America. Watch as Barry takes on McGwire’s chubby little bastard son. See Barry hit 70 homers without using supplements.

In the past, we weren’t so hard on Big Mac, but Barry is way cooler. He’s the ultimate anti-hero, and it makes it so much nicer to see a guy that everyone hates capture the most magical record in American sports. (Did we mention he’s slugging like .850, too?) It’s like having Iverson win MVP, except better. No one wanted to give Barry respect; back in June and July, McGwire said he would falter at this point. Writers such as Michael Wilbon, Rick Reilly and David Halberstram said he doesn’t have enough heart or will power to take it this far.

It still remains to be seen if he can pull it out, but again, the notion that Bonds toppled Maris’ record in 144 games?one faster than McGwire?gives credence that freaks, jerks, morlocks and outsiders can do it just as well as Mr. Mainstream. Don’t you remember Ponyboy?

Then there’s that Michael Jordan guy. He may be too old (see “Ewing, Patrick”), but we hear MJ is in great shape and will probably play small forward or something. And there’s also something he has that he’ll never lose?a sweet jumper. It’s deadly. He redefined his game once before, and he can do it again. Jordan makes his teammates better, even if they actually suck (see “Pippen, Scottie”).

The Wizards are gonna take it on home this year once he comes back. Forget Deion for Christ’s sake: Washington sports have never looked so good. Yea Bullets.

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