Ladies and gentlemen, I have seen the state of D.C. sports and it is good. For your athletic enjoyment and perpetual glee, this city has it all: There’s Michael Jordan, Hoya and Terp hoops, Jagr on ice, and the Redskins!
The Redskins? OK, they’re bad. They’ve been outscored 112-16 by three teams who were a combined 17-31 last season. (Thanks, Kornheiser.) Shawn Barber is broken, which makes their defensive line about as strong as Dick Cheney’s heart. The only thing good about the Chiefs game was that Champ Bailey bodyslammed one of their recievers. Well, and maybe also that Tony Banks scored a TD.
But to all you hater-players out there who hail from Jets, Giants, Pats or Bears land: Don’t be too hard on ‘em. After all, the Skins have a better tradition than all of your teams, with the possible exception of a Super Bowl featuring some porn star named Joe Willie. Do your research: Sonny, Sam, Frank, Billy Kilmer, “I Love Doug No. 17” buttons, the Posse, the Hawgs. Seriously, John Riggins once told Sandra Day O’Connor that she had “a nice ass.” Hail to them, cause you’re gonna be here for a while.
If football ain’t your thang, then the MCI Center is where it’s at. The Ticketmaster outlet in Vittles sold about a million-billion dollars worth of Wizards tickets when they went on sale, and it’s not because of the Popeye Jones-DerMarr Johnson matchup on Nov. 1. You see, there’s this guy named Michael who plays basketball, and he’s gonna play for Washington. It’s the best thing to happen to D.C. basketball since Calbert Cheaney. Please go. It will be much better than that Henle kegger that’s gonna “blow up.”
Finally, we’d like to spend a moment on last weekend’s anti-war protests. Great cause, no doubt. Good signs, too. (Our favorite? “U.S. Foreign Policy Sucks.”). But next time you fellas set up a one-cause protest, stick to that cause! Freeing Mumia, Alaskan oil drilling, IMF/World Bank, bad Chinese food … that can all wait. No wonder liberal protesters get such a bad rap. Just take a friggin’ shower, you bandwagon partisans, you!
