The sobbing of the world’s favorite sore losers (and, not coincidentally, Canadians) Jamie Sale and David Pelletier finally paid off last week, the sporting world erupted in scandal with revelations of wrongdoing by skating judges.
To which I say: B`ig deal. How surprised can you be?
Instead of getting everyone up in arms about this supposed scandal, the events of this past week of Winter Olympics should instead have reignited another controversy?what, exactly, should be a sport? Like a lot of people, something deep inside my psyche says that figure skating should not be a sport.
Though I’ve been subconsciously living with this retrograde figure-skating anxiety for some time, it took last week’s events to really crystallize my feelings on this point. I am now certain that figure skating is not a sport, and I know why?it’s the judges.
Such a “no-judges” criterion has been proposed before, most recently by Michael Wilbon in The Washington Post, but it is a logical one. Any sport worth the name shouldn’t allow its winners to be chosen by judges. This should be particularly true of the Olympics, whose motto is “higher, faster, stronger,” not “more perfect triple axles” or “more solid landing.” Winners, as far as I’m concerned, can do something faster, quicker or longer than someone else. I mean, can you imagine those naked Greek guys standing around aghast in the eighth century B.C. when it was revealed the Thracian judge made a deal with the Phonecians?
Aside from the rampant jingoism and ubiquitous commercialism, the spirit of these games is about celebrating the apex of human achievement, not bickering about how corrupt humans have become. Humans beings are imperfect?few people will deny that, so why do we continue to let them judge others attempts at perfection? It should be no surprise that these imperfect human judges succumb to the pressures and allow the aforementioned jingoism and commercialism to influence their decisions. Andthat’s just not sporting.
Sorry figure skating. Sorry diving. I’m even sorry to say gymnastics has to go. Don’t get me wrong?skaters, divers and gymnasts are incredible athletes who do amazing things. Many, if not most, of them could kick my ass thoroughly and repeatedly. The fact remains they cannot compete without being judged by another person.
The best sports, however, choose their winners with the minimum of outside arbitration: such is the beauty of, say, the marathon. No one chooses the winner because he or she has the best running form, rather, it’s the fastest competitor who wins the prize. Team sports operate the same way: competitors play within a framework of rules, attempting to score such conveniently objective tallies as runs, goals or points. An umpire doesn’t give points for “safeness”?you’re either safe or out, and that’s it.
Of course, there’s the oft-repeated objection that goes something like this: “I’d like to see you try to do a triple axle/back handspring/reverse somersault one-and-a-half twist, you lazy bastard!” Well, that’s fine, but I never claimed I could do any of those things. You know what else? I can’t roll my tongue or do that Star Trek finger thing, but I never claimed those are sports.
Figure skating is a beautiful thing, and anyone would be a fool to say otherwise. But should figure skating be a competitive sport? It really shouldn’t?it is a wonderful thing to watch, like a good play or ballet, but it should be left at that. Why impeach the art by letting judges arbitrarily determine who lands the best lutz or toe-loop?
Whatever reforms the nutty Europeans who run skating’s governing body end up proposing, the real problem will not be solved. Instant replay, blind voting and randomly discarded ballots aren’t getting to the heart of the matter. Leave the judges and the grey areas out of sports. They just don’t belong.
