A survey of any sports section or sports publication in the month of March reveals an obvious trend in sports stories: predictions. This year, however, as sports writers everywhere try to forecast the Final Four, foresee the NBA and NHL champions, forebode the NFL draft sleepers and steals, and foretell the conclusion to the upcoming baseball season, I have come to a realization. Predictions, in sports at least, are little more than a little bit of guesswork, a little bit of education and a whole lot of hope. Why is it not surprising that fans so frequently pick their own hometown team to win it all? Thus, I have created a list of five “predictions” for the 2002 Major League Baseball season, and, admittedly, I’ve fudged the normal limits of reality that most sports forecasters use.
1: Pedro Martinez, entering the all-star break 14-0 with a 0.88 ERA, strikes out Robbie Alomar, Jeff Bagwell, Mike Piazza, Vlad Guerrero, Sammy Sosa and Chipper Jones consecutively in the first two innings of the midseason classic. After the game, Martinez boasts that “the curse of the Bambino is over” and promises that the AL East-leading Red Sox will go on to win the World Series. Later that night, Pedro mysteriously vanishes from the face of the earth and the Red Sox don’t win another game all season.
2: Eric Milton, the de facto best pitcher in the American League after Pedro’s disappearance, along with fellow starters Brad Radke and Joe Mays, lead the Minnesota Twins to an unprecedented 120-win season, selling out the Metrodome every night. When asked to comment on his earlier suggestion to contract the Twins, Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig says, “Whoops,” and promptly resigns.
3: On Sept. 29, the last day of the regular season, Sammy Sosa hits his 82nd and 83rd homeruns of the season, seemingly assuring himself of the all-time Major League single season homerun record. Later that day, however, Vladimir Guerrero hits his 80th, 81st, 82nd, 83rd and 84th homeruns of the season as the Expos clinch the NL wild card. Olympic Stadium is empty, save for one Georgetown University sportswriter with fantastic, voluminous hair, who made a road trip for what he thought would be the Expos final game. He collects all five homerun balls, which yield enough money for him to quit school, buy a small Caribbean island and build a tremendous mansion.
4: The Yankees, who have won the AL East despite a record only barely above .500, face the mighty Minnesota Twins in the ALCS. Game 4, and the series itself, ends when Torii Hunter belts a 425-foot line drive homerun. In a freak happenstance, the ball smacks and fatally wounds a spectator, later revealed to be former Yankee Paul O’Neill.
5: Finally, in a dramatic turn of events, the New York Mets are left without an available pitcher in the 23rd inning of Game 7 of the World Series vs. the Twins. Mets GM Steve Phillips, thinking quickly, finds a loophole in the Major League Baseball rulebook and activates one magnificently-maned Shea Stadium hot dog vendor whom Phillips once saw practicing his knuckleball before a game. The vendor, gorgeous locks and all, strikes out three straight Twins. The Mets win the game in the bottom of the inning, and the great-haired hot dog vendor is carried off the field with his arms aloft.
Farfetched, I’ll admit, but hey, Dick Vitale picked Duke to win the NCAA Championship. Now c’mon, Dicky V, that’s just ridiculous.
