I am a great man. I’m also really good looking. Fabulous, even. I have a variety of sports jerseys and a diverse music collection. I probably know more about basketball than you, and your favorite band definitely sucks as long as Rolling Stone says so. My eyebrows are quite defined, and I’ve been complimented on them a lot. I have handsome biceps and peculiar bluish-gray eyes. I celebrate life with gusto. All in all, I rule.
Let me tell you more.
When I get out of the shower, my hair dangles in lusty wetness, making me look like a Latino fashion model. When dry, my locks resemble that of the fun-loving, floppy-haired all-American boy. It’s great hair—reddish brown, in fact—and the tint lightens as I get more sun. I am also Irish, but I possess a feature unusual to my ethnic group: the ability to tan. This makes me unique.
My deodorant smells nice, too. Its soft aroma attracts many girls. I often entertain them in my home with red wine and some quiet music. They enjoy my company, because I have a diverse knowledge of the world. I like books and very much favor the intellectual pastimes of the metropole, but I am also well-versed in the ways of pop-culture and its troubling influence on our society. I can tell you how I feel about it if you like. Stop by anytime.
I’m from the South, and I feel this makes me a better human being overall. Things are a little different in the South, and it has given me a carefree yet measured attitude, allowing me to minimize stress and enjoy the wonderful things in life, like porches and love. I had an accent, but it filtered away during my stay here at Georgetown. I can revert back to it every now and then, usually bringing on some hearty guffaws.
My sense of humor is as versatile as my lifestyle. I possess a fine and skillful sarcasm, used only on certain occasions. I want to be sure not to offend those who don’t understand that sarcasm isn’t truth. It’s fake! For you folks, I reserve a more hackneyed sense of humor, and will perhaps reference a quote from a mainstream movie to garner laughs. But don’t get me wrong, I can make anyone crack a smile. Even the homeless!
I am caring and benevolent. I am willing to listen to your problems, but I want you to realize that mine need hearing, too. My thoughtfulness will reward you, and perhaps help you redefine your own existence. My sensitivity will surprise you, because on the surface I seem quite uncomplicated. But I, too, cry every now and then. I, too, often find myself putting on some depressing music and romantically wallowing in my own self-pity.
Don’t get me wrong, I can also have fun. I can go to a party and pretend to enjoy several awkward social interactions. I can go to bars and relish the singles scene of this fine city with a cold beer in one hand and a willingness to meet you in the other. I love concerts, especially outdoor summer events. Exercising is also a favorite pastime of mine. I play soccer and basketball and like to throw the baseball around from time to time. I lift weights, too, and go biking if weather permits. Sometimes I just ride off into nature and ponder the aspects of this crazy, mixed-up existence we all share.
I feel that as my life approaches graduation, I have many options available to me. I am, as I said, a great man. This could take me to the White House one day, or perhaps earn me a certain literary celebrity. But what made me so dynamic is that I could be a waiter or an alcoholic for the rest of my life, so long as it makes me happy. Despite my legacy, I know that I will have lived a satisfying and beautiful life, and that there will be many people at my large and cathartic funeral.
I have interesting views on religion, too. I believe in God, but not in a strict interpretation of the Bible. I think this humanistic outlook lends itself to my liberal politics, making me a better person than people who don’t like minorities or expensive and inappropriate government spending.
Did you know I have a fashion sense that defies convention? I can wear tight black pants one day, and a t-shirt and khaki shorts the next! I even look good in camouflage pants, or velvet. It depends where I’m going of course, and whom I’m out with. That’s important. I also look very fine in a neatly tailored suit with pinstripes and one of those Regis Philbin ties. I may or may not gel my hair on these occasions.
I enjoy an altogether postmodern experience, if I can use that word. I can’t be defined. I just want to be happy. Isn’t that great and admirable? Yeah, I think so, too. I’m a really superb person, perhaps one of the best to ever tread the worn roads of this rock we call Earth. I think you should get to know me, because it would probably be worth your while.
Did I mention I have really beautiful eyes?
Peter Hamby is a senior in the College and contributing editor of The Georgetown Voice. He really likes it when you burp in his face and give him the finger.
