Here at Voice Fashion, we spend a lot of time researching the Next Big Thing. But when not researching the Next Big Thing, we are making fun of the way some people dress. Why? Because they deserve it. Some Georgetown students have lots of disposable income to dispose on fashion, which therefore makes our campus susceptible to ridiculous fashion mishaps spewed half-gestated from the overtanned heads of Tommy, Ralph and Calvin. Here is what we think about this nonsense.
LADIES
Two years ago this campus was gripped by madness, a mania that rewrote our collective identity so swiftly that it was all we could do to deny enjoying the whole thing after the fact. We are speaking, of course, of the tight black pants. They were more than just de rigeur; for members of both sexes they came to be as familiar as the ether itself.
For those of us who witnessed those days, women’s fashion has yet to recover. Trapped in post-black pant detox, campus styles have floundered aimlessly ever since. Because the one thing we all discovered then is that life really is easier when everyone wears the same thing. The hard part is getting 3,000 people to agree on what that thing will be. After regaining the control we all temporarily lost to the pants, we have yet to decide what to do with it.
To quote your mom’s therapist, “This year has seen some progress.” Unfortunately, retox is not yet at hand. But that’s for the best, because before we all take the plunge again, we need to be certain that we are making the right choice.
But one thing is certain, women have found denim again. So that’s good. Everyone can dig it, everyone can afford it, and it goes with pretty much anything. Word. But there are some serious blotches on this horizon, which is why Voice Fashion is here to set the record straight.
Our major beef is with the “worn jeans” look. Now, jeans that have worn down naturally because you’re just that hardcore are perfectly acceptable. It is even okay to wear jeans that you maybe didn’t fade yourself, i.e. you purchased them off a cowboy or ran over them with your car several times. But the latest chapter in the “worn jeans” saga completely crosses the line. Vividly blue jeans that appear to have had a large amount of bleach poured on the butt are not okay. Men, this goes for you too. Shut it down. Throw them out. This is not acceptable. If you really want some worn jeans, let us give you this Voice Fashion tip: Go to Wal-Mart. Buy their regular $10 jeans. Wear them a few times, and they will look worn. Trust us. We’ve been doing this for years.
The other major trend for this fall is a natural carryover from the summer: the lightly tinted Superfly-sized sunglasses. They’re space age; they’re even “mod,” if you go in for that stuff. Whatever. They’re also on the way out; on campus, that wave had crested by mid-September, and has only remained because people hope to squeeze whatever value they can out of them before winter arrives and they are banished, not to be resuscitated for at least five years. Which is for the best, because they look ridiculous and don’t even protect your eyes.
Now there is one look that has gelled with remarkable success, and we are all big fans. The only thing keeping this minor revolution from completely overtaking our fashion sensibilities is the garment’s rather peripheral position on the couture spectrum. We are talking, of course, about sweatpants. Because for some time now?some would even say since the fall of ‘01?it has been officially illegal for women to wear sweatpants, or the no-less-important sweatshorts, without rolling down the waistband. But even this style hasn’t survived intact. While the maneuver was clearly originally conceived as a way to bare some more hip, it is now totally acceptable in some circles to accompany this look with a hiking up of the sweats, so as to make up for the change in length. It goes without saying that we do not approve. Such hiking will be yellow flagged if Voice Fashion ever catches you. And we will.
GENTS
There isn’t much to say about the way men dress. They’re real lazy. They often go to class in flip-flops, mesh shorts and a T-shirt. Sometimes they wear polo shirts. They are this lazy because they can get away with it.
But some have taken the initiative and attempted to strike out in bold new directions. Guys, come on. What the hell are you doing? Pink polo shirts? Even we at the Voice draw the line at pink polo wear. Just go home and change into one of those clever booze-themed Hoya Saxa T-shirts. Much better.
Sadly, the rise of the pink polo shirt phenomenon has been paralleled by the advent of a trend that some consider “complimentary”?the upturned collar. It is still rude to turn your nose up at the hoi polloi, so these days men seem to be substituting their collars. For shame. And does anyone really like how this looks? Informal polls say “hell no.”
Completing the preppy triple threat is, quite simply, the most horrifying garment we have seen since Zubaz. Plaid old-man shorts are not cool, never were, and never will be. Given, if someone starts sporting the high-rise turquoise Sansabelt elastic waist comfo-slax, we at the Voice will be the first to give you props. Golf team, we’re looking at you. But this isn’t going to catch on, so we’ll leave it at that.
And we understand that before old-man golf trousers come back, this male capri-pants thing is going to have to play itself out. Few remember this is actually a revival of sorts?you might recall the whole “knickers” thing. Sadly, the choice legwear of silver-spoon dandies and heavily-brogued Scottish golfers alike went out long ago for a reason: Ankle exposure is not sexy. If you’re freakishly tall and can’t find pants long enough, fine. But remember?it still looks dumb.
So next time you’re flipping through the pages of GQ or Details, or even drooling over Maxim, think twice before spending your paycheck or trust fund on whatever country-club crap they’re pushing this month. Because at the end of the day, who looks to rich people for fashion tips anyhow? Everyone knows gay people are where it’s at. Gay men were the first to get that “front flip” haircut that everyone has now, and they also made messenger bags cool. Gay women pioneered that rugged, hippie bandanna thing that is now so mainstream. So, fashion-forward gay people, we salute you. Wealthy fashion-forward gay people, we hope you use your powers for the forces of good. And with that, Voice Fashion is signing off. Until next semester, remember: If it doesn’t look good, take it off.
