Given that our Final Four predictions last week were more despicably off target than a U.S. Patriot Missile (did we just say that?), we thought we’d focus our attention on the most important holiday of the year: Opening Day. So, in case you missed it, here are the highlights of Monday’s action.
Yankees 8, Blue Jays 4-The biggest news of the day came when Derek Jeter separated his shoulder after colliding with Toronto catcher Ken Huckaby. The Yankees called up shortstop Erick Almonte from AAA Columbus to fill in for Jeter at shortstop. When asked how he planned to fill Jeter’s void, Almonte was reported to say, “Who am I?” In other news, opening day attendance in Toronto was 50,119. On Tuesday, however, attendance was 15,176. Ah, baseball in Canada, an experiment that went horribly wrong …
Cubs 15, Mets 2-People are calling the Cubs the Angels of 2003. I’m calling the Mets the Cubs of 1909-2002. Tom Glavine picks up the loss for the Mets after giving up 8 hits and 5 runs in just 3 and 2/3 innings. What a shame.
Orioles 6, Indians 5-Hopes are high, as they always are, for the Orioles in April. With a core young group of less than marginally talented infielders and the worst owner in baseball, Baltimore somehow manages to pick up a win against the depleted Tribe. All we have to say is, Who cares?
Pirates 10, Reds 1-Hopes are high for Griffey, Adam Dunn and Austin Kearns at the new Great American Ballpark in Cincy. Hopes are also high for Lloyd McClendon, who greatly desires a legitimate career. Griffey strikes out with the bases loaded in the third. Big surprise. If he doesn’t step up, look for a blockbuster Neifi Perez-Ken Griffey, Jr. deal come time for the trading deadline.
Royals 3, White Sox 0-Most worthless stat of the day: PH Desi Relaford, 0-0, BB.
Twins 3, Tigers 1-The Twins are hyped to win the AL Central once again, as they showed today. They’re young and exciting, and Torii Hunter has a smile that can charm any fan, just like Kirby Puckett used to do. Now, the only thing Kirby Puckett’s smile does is frighten small children. That and his creepy-ass eye.
Tampa Bay 6, Boston 4-We don’t know what to say about this one. Looks like 28-year-old Theo Epstein’s debut as GM didn’t go quite as planned. You know what else won’t go quite as planned in Boston? Todd Walker turning DPs. What a sad bastard he is. Sox fans just need to dig out the syringes and prepare for another disgraceful season. You suck.
Giants 5, Padres 2-In a tragic accident, Ryan Klesko slid into Dusty Baker’s ballboy son at home plate and decapitated the boy. Sobbing and holding his boy in a puddle of blood, Baker said … Oh wait, he’s not in San Fran anymore? Kent either? What’s that? This franchise is fading faster than a drunken Brewers fan of his tenth MGD? O-tay!
