This week a star-studded coalition of health-related campus organizations surprised the University by coming out with a strong anti-Influenza policy. Since flu shots aren’t available this year, this Justice League of Health decided to take matters into their own hands. The coalition sent a package around to students including the following handout:
“You have received a flu prevention kit. Included in the kit are a couple of items to remind you how easy it is to waste University funding and patronize students … “
Oh, we kid. The real kit just encourages students to wash their hands and use tissues, and, get this, includes hand sanitizer and off-brand facial tissues. Then it encourages people to wash their hands some more. The handout also includes handy tips like, “Eliminate as much stress as possible from your life” and “If your fever is over 101.5 … you should call the Student Health Center at to make an appointment.” In the interest of public service, we to advise anyone with a fever over 101.5 to skip the two- day health center wait and call an ambulance before his brain boils in his skull.
Now, one might think that someone who needs to be reminded about the connection between sanitation and health probably doesn’t have the right stuff to thrive in the intellectual Darwinism that is Georgetown academia. Nonetheless, some students apparently just don’t understand that if you go near a sick person, you are more likely to get sick.
Actually, considering the number of people on campus who don’t understand the connection between egregious drinking and projectile vomiting, we rescind previous paragraphs. You know what we need? More of these kits:
Alcohol and You: “If you have had more than six drinks in the past hour, it is unwise to perform a keg stand.”
Metro and You: “If Metro comes to your house, do not use the phrases ‘pig’ or ‘You’ll never take me alive.’ Do not throw blunt objects.”
Condoms and You: “If you use condoms, God will smite you and smite you good.”
Well, we probably won’t see the last one any time soon, but you get the picture: We’re committed to protecting the health and safety of idiotic students as long as their health and safety doesn’t involve doin’ it.
Anyways, what’s important here is that we’ve all been saved from an outbreak of the flu that could have rivaled the black plague itself, and that’s good. We’ve got some free wet naps and some free tissues, and that’s good. And we’ve seen that the campus health community can react to a possible health crisis by passing around a vague pamphlet containing advice from our mothers … and that’s good, too.
