-Welcome to a special Bowl Championship Series edition of Blind Date. I’m BCS Commissioner Mike Tranghese and I’ll be your guide through tonight’s debauchery. As always, our lovely bachelorette will choose from one of three lucky bachelors after hearing their responses to a series of questions. Bachelorette, tell us a bit about yourself.
-Well Mike, hee hee, I’m looking for a sexy, large-conference-affiliated team, preferably with no more than one loss to fill my bowl schedule, if you know what I mean.
-I think we do, bachelorette. Now, let’s meet our bachelors. Bachelor number one is an undefeated team from a mid-major conference, yet without the magic stick to make the voters come runnin’. Bachelor number two is a one-loss team from a major conference. Bachelor number three is the division champion with three losses, as well as mild case of syphilis. Bachelorette, fire away.
-Bachelor number one, what would a date with you be like?
-Well, bachelorette, I’d pull out my best moves and do no wrong. Perhaps we could do some missionary work together and then enjoy some cider in front of a warm fire.
-Well, bachelorette, sounds boring to me.
-I know, Mike. Bachelor number two, what would our date be like?
-I’d probably take you to the local rodeo so you could watch me ride the bull while you nosh on some fresh BBQ ribs. Then we would go back to my ranch so you could ride my steed, if you know what I mean. I have a 12-inch steed, by the way.
-I do love a bachelor with a big steed. Bachelor number three, what…
-What kind of dumb game show is this? We all know you want to pick bachelor two, but you can’t because the rules on this show suck. So, bachelorette, get used to the fact that you’re not getting a wild romp on anyone’s steed.
-Bachelor number three, you sound a little upset.
-Are you kidding me? I just got an undeserved $14 million when I was about to lose my job. Pass me the Kleenex, college athletics rock.
