To: Donovan McNabb & Co.
From: The Serm
Re: Please win! No, seriously, please.
I know it’s been a while since we last spoke, but after not hearing from you guys for so long, I figured you just lost my e-mail address. I left it on the middle of the counter, but Pinkston must have dropped it in the trash. No hard feelings, though; I know he can’t help himself.
As you all sit around the locker room reading this, you’re probably wondering what sage advice I wish to disseminate. Actually, I come bearing some disappointing news. As you guys remember, I’ve been right there with you the past two years as we watched our beloved Vet and somewhat liked Linc turned into someone else’s house party. Dawk, who gave you that first tissue in the locker room? And DMac, who was the first to massage your ribs last year after that vicious late hit? It wasn’t me, but you can bet I would have.
I guess what I’m saying, guys, is that, and I’m not really sure if there’s a good way to say it, but I won’t be there this year. I’m making a decision that I think is in the best interests of the team. The injury report will be probably say something about a hamstring, but I want you guys, my teammates, to know the truth. I don’t want to go so far as to call it personal reasons, but, well, it is personal.
I’m bad luck, and I’m sorry it took me three years to realize that. I love you guys so much, I want to scream it from the top of a mountain, but I don’t have a mountain; I have a computer in a newsroom. And that is where I shall stay, for my presence this Sunday will be nothing but a distraction.
Now, I don’t want you guys to think that this is some kind of “win one for the Gipper” thing. I’m clearly not the Gipper, so if you did want to do that, it would have to be for the Serminator. Rather, consider this sacrifice I have made and wonder whether you should try one of your own. Remember in Major League II when Pedro Cerrano wants to take batting practice with a live chicken? I digress, but the point remains: win one for the Serminator. And for Papa Serminator too; as Danny Glover once said, “he’s gettin’ too old for this shit.”
