A lumbering, man-eating, ancient dinosaur is headed for our fair city of Washington, D.C. Emerging from the murky depths of quasi-retirement and standing as living proof that our universe cannot possibly have been created by a just and loving god, Mike Tyson, the prolific ear-chomper himself, will fight Kevin McBride, an Irish journeyman, in a bout that bears absolutely no significance whatsoever.
Tyson, who has amassed a record of 50 wins and five losses, including 44 KOs, has signed a contract to fight in a circus to be promoted by Fight Entertainment Group. The sideshow will take place on June 11, 2005 at the MCI Center, almost one year after Tyson’s last fight, which was called in the fourth round after Tyson tore cartilage in his left knee. Tyson had surgery and insists that his knee is fine. He has been in training in Phoenix for three weeks. Reportedly, he is on a healthy diet of protein and babies.
The main course, McBride, who could be seen dabbing his ears with hot sauce in preparation, stands at 6’6” with a record of 32-4-1 with 27 knockouts. If the words of his manager are any indication, prospects aren’t great: “We’re going to go out there and knock Kevin-uh, Mike Tyson-out.”
Not that it matters. This freakshow is all about Tyson. Although 38 and clearly past his prime (he’s lost two of his past three fights and again, hasn’t fought in nearly a year; heck, he’s only fought twice in the past 28 months.), promoters hope that Tyson’s brand name will draw enough attention to sell tickets and pay-per-view buys.
Ear-biting, baby-eating and R. Kelly antics aside, one almost has to take pity on Tyson, who is essentially a walking, talking, mindless sack of meat. Yeah, Foreman won the title at 40, but Tyson is clearly no Foreman. The only thing the guy can do is walk into a ring and pray that he beats the living crap out of the other guy before the other guy does the same. This all results in a vicious cycle: More blows to the head equals fewer brain cells equals lesser probability that Tyson will have the common sense to stay the hell out of the ring equals more blows to the head and so on.
Not that he has much choice. He has two kids to support and is currently estimated to be $30 million in debt. He has stated that he will continue to fight until he has earned enough to take care of his kids and has admitted himself that this probably isn’t going to happen any time soon. But whether or not he can handle that many more fights is very questionable. Of course, he could kill two birds with one stone if he just ate his kids.
Tyson himself put it best: “I just hope these people of Washington, D.C., are prepared to handle this,” he said. “It’s going to be a train wreck.”
