Armed, uniformed men walk the streets at night, storming public places and arresting people by the dozens, not for any crime they’ve committed, but because of the lifestyles that they have chosen. Meanwhile, the nation stands divided: east and west-a bitter rivalry that threatens to erupt in violence.
Of what era do I speak? Fascist Germany under the Nazi regime? Cold War Germany, divided between capitalism and communism? No. I speak of last Saturday. And I speak of something for more dangerous and far more significant than any war. I speak of something that, for some, is more important than life itself. I speak of soccer.
This past weekend in Berlin, police raided a nightclub and arrested 180 people in a pre-emptive strike designed to curtail what was believed to be an imminent conflict involving the use of FMDs (Fans of Mass Drunkenness). Rival fans of BFC Dynamo Berlin and Union Berlin have clashed several times since German unification in 1990.
Unfortunately, such clashes have only increased in intensity since the release of David Hasselhoff’s first album. The resulting conflicts over which half of Germany loves him more have often escalated to bloody confrontations over the years, and Hasselhoff is now listed as the 12th most common cause of death in the European country.
Police kept some of BFC Dynamo Berlin’s followers in custody during Sunday’s regional league match with Union Berlin. A few could be seen sitting in the corner, diligently recording what had transpired in pocket-sized notebooks.
Reactions were mixed at the nightclub. Most male attendees maintained a positive outlook, however, once they had reassessed the male-to-female ratio, all of the predominantly male soccer fans having cleared out.
“The disco was a known meeting place for fans of Dynamo Berlin. Some are known troublemakers,” police spokesman Uwe Kozelnik told the Associated Press. “We also searched for dangerous objects, but didn’t find any.” Colonel Klink declined to comment.
The game began a half-hour late because police escorted some fans to Union’s Alters Fosterei stadium. Union, a favorite of dissidents in the Cold War era, defeated Dynamo Berlin, the favored club of East Germany’s secret police, 8-0. Yay, capitalism!
Naturally, the detainment of soccer fans who had not yet committed any crime raises a number of questions about civil rights and liberties and has even caused some to speculate that there may be a growing trend of pre-emptive law enforcement.
However, the question on everyone’s mind is whether or not we can do the same thing with the so-called “soccer moms” in the States. Some have proposed storming PTA meetings and corralling potentially destructive matriarchs before they have the opportunity to cause any trouble during youth soccer matches. The Referees Association of America has already thrown their full support behind the proposal. As yet, however, no one willing to enforce such a policy has stepped forward. Fear of timeouts is cited as the main cause.
