To most of the country, Bob Saget is still Full House’s Danny Tanner: a clean, innocuous, loving father from an idyllic world in which the children are adorable, the adults are almost funny and problems are conveniently solved in 30 minutes or less (and damned if someone didn’t learn a lesson in the process). The man who showed up at George Washington University’s Auditorium Tuesday night was someone entirely different.
Entering accompanied by rap music and thundering bass unbecoming of “America’s Dad,” Saget proceeded to do all but burn Danny Tanner’s effigy onstage. As I watched his comprehensively vulgar act, which covered bestiality, statutory rape and, of course, Uncle Jesse, I could sense the sadistic pleasure he derives from shattering his wholesome image into a thousand pieces.
“People say to me, ‘I watched you growing up!’” He said, “Yeah? Well now I’m gonna watch you go down.” He demonstrated a commanding stage presence, silencing an early heckler with the glorious command, “Shut the fuck up! I’m Bob Saget, BITCH,” which, if there is indeed a just and caring God, will be making its way onto a t-shirt soon.
Unlikely as it seems, Bob Saget is a dirty old man. But this shouldn’t come as a surprise to those who heard him proclaim “I used to suck dick for coke” in a Half-Baked cameo as “cocaine addict” or more recently in The Aristocrats. His rendition of the classic comedians’ inside joke stood out as the most hilarious and crude in a movie laden with incest and fecal matter. However, his cursory rendition of the joke Tuesday night was disappointing to those who have seen the film and just plain confusing to the rest.
He recalled his days as host of America’s Funniest Home Videos, a comedic disaster which he officially apologized for (apparently Canadians wrote the jokes). Full House jokes, though, were the biggest crowd pleasers. Saget revealed that he “fucked that bitch, Kimmy Gibler” and that David Coulier shaves his nether region. Some of the most entertaining moments of the night came as Bob described life as a single father of three girls whom he affectionately referred to as “my little cock blockers.”
Throughout his act, Saget, now 49 and divorced, made frequent references to sex with minors, which I naturally assumed were fictional. This judgment was thrown into question, though, when the college-aged girl sitting next to us revealed that she knew him and was going on an African safari with him in a month. I remained skeptical until after the show, when she got backstage by calling his personal cell phone. When they parted ways again, the perverted pimp called out that he would see her in four weeks.
By the end of his two hours of uproarious standup, Bob Saget atoned for his contributions to Full House and AFHV, which collectively amounted to about ten pounds of suck. It seems that the novelty of seeing Danny Tanner joke about fucking a goat will never end. In characteristic fashion, he ended the act by saying, “Thanks for coming or however you reacted to the show.”
