Pencils sharp and at the ready, everyone. It’s already Thursday, so this is your final chance to fill out a last-second bracket. And since you’re probably more stressed about this than you are about that Ethics paper you have due in three hours, I’m here to save you with the elite eight rules to keep in mind while flexing your prediction muscles. The choice is yours: follow my advice and win $200 to blow on beer for you and your roommates, or end up the same chump $20 lighter and stone-cold sober.
1. No, LSU is not a number one seed. You just printed the women’s bracket. Go back and try again.
2. Circle the little “8” next to George Washington on the bracket. This isn’t going to help you at all, it’s just fun to do.
3. Put GW into the second round. It’s painful, I know, but do you really think this team isn’t furious after being slapped in the face by the selection committee? Not furious enough to beat Duke, but furious enough to stomp on a no-name team like UNC-Wilmington, which shouldn’t come as a surprise, since that’s really all they’ve done all year: beat up no-name teams.
4. No number 16 has ever beaten a number one. That’s going to change some year, and you’ll become a bracket legend if you can prove you’re the one who predicted it. Of course, you’re also going to feel as dumb as everyone else thinks you are when Oral Roberts loses by 42. At any rate, with all the gloating after you guessed this one correctly, you’d find yourself short on friends real fast. Maybe it’s best to stick to the beaten path.
5. There will be a ton of other upsets. The best way to pick upsets is to take every group of four teams vying for the same Sweet 16 spot, check off the one that will get it, and then go wild with the other game that has no impact on the Sweet 16. Look at your bracket to understand what I mean: Nevada, Montana, Boston College and Pacific are all playing for the same spot in the Sweet 16. Considering BC a mortal lock, it matters far less whether you pick Nevada or Montana in the first round. (apkshelf.com) Picking that upset correctly, however, could be the point you need.
6. At least one Cinderella is going to make the Sweet 16. You know that the guy or girl who predicts it¬¬—and there’s always one—wins or nearly wins every year. You might as well just go all out and pick somebody.
7. Having all four number one seeds in the Final Four is a reason to erase everything and start over. Having fewer than four first-round upsets is a reason to go grow some stones—then erase everything and start over.
8. If you’re playing in a pool against me, I just want to say that Florida is a great pick. These guys are right on the verge every year. Last team I would expect to choke at the Big Dance. So go with the Gators. Chomp, chomp.
Finally, a bonus tip: back in November, I picked Louisville and Syracuse to finish second and third in the Big East, respectively, and I had Seton Hall at fifteenth. Choose your advisors carefully. And remember that all sports predictions are not only worthless, but pointless as well. That’s why they play the game.
