Our government is being systematically subverted from within, from well-known locations in Denver and Philadelphia. A powerful cartel operating across the country is forcing the U.S. to surrender to a policy that, left unchecked, will put our economy in shambles. Their WMDs—Weapons of Miniscule Destruction—have not only infiltrated such major corporations as Microsoft and Starbucks, but are even found in our schools, our homes and our very pockets.
Yes, America is held hostage by the insidious forces that create and sustain the penny. Even having the audacity to display the stoic likeness of our greatest president, Abraham Lincoln, on each part of their 200 billion-strong arsenal, these “copper terrorists” seek to secure one goal: the complete depletion of the U.S. Treasury.
The actual composition of these little dirty bombs (and if you’ve looked at one lately, you know they are dirty) is 97.6% zinc, 2.4% copper and 100% evil. To buy the copper and zinc in each penny, the U.S. is forced to pay roughly .8 cents. Add the .6 cents it costs to actually produce the penny, and the U.S. is losing almost a full half-cent for every penny minted.
There are some brave enough to stand up to the unholy axis-of-evil comprised of Kaiser Copper, Czar Zinc and Master Mint—a trio that makes Big Tobacco and Overwhelming Oil look like Greenpeace. In 2002, Representative Jim Kolbe (R-Az.) introduced the “Legal Tender Modernization Act,” which contained all the tools needed to put the U.S. on the road to victory over the penny. However, a ‘one cent insurgency’ out of Illinois, involving House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Il.), thwarted the operation in the name of its “favorite son,” Lincoln. That great statesman’s name and face, they thought, would be lost from the record books if it didn’t remain on a tiny, almost valueless coin. After some investigation, however, The Voice found that in Lincoln’s lone state-wide election, a race for U.S. Senate in 1858, Illinois chose Stephen A. Douglas, not Lincoln, as their representative to the upper chamber. Now we can only wonder as to the motives of the true believers from Illinois.
By now, President Bush must know these WMDs are all over the U.S.—it’s a slam dunk. So, Mr. Bush, do not rest until the Mission is Accomplished and the copper terror is put down.
