Arriving at Georgetown as a freshman is incredibly hectic. That’s why you should drink as much as possible. After all, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. And if doing body shots off of an ex-girlfriend the second week of your freshman year didn’t convince you to take it easy, Georgetown’s new alcohol education program certainly won’t.
All of Georgetown’s incoming freshmen were required to take an online education course offered through AlcoholEdu.com, a private company that claims to receive no funding from booze makers. We’d love to tell you more about it, but the university only paid for the freshmen. And our freshman sources either pre-gamed before taking the two -and-a half-hour test or let the videos run silently in the background while they did other work. They used Wikipedia to answer the questions. At least it teaches you how to multitask.
The word on the street is that if you claim to abstain from alcohol during the initial round of questions, the program is actually much shorter. And you probably have better things to do than answer questions about Blood Alcohol Content or how whiskey affects your hypothalmus—like get drunk.
Nobody needs to help you make decisions. When a man calling himself The Party Gorilla walks up to you with a bottle of tequila, you’ll know what to do. Some call it peer pressure; we call it a good time.
Drinking has always been an integral part of a Jesuit education. And while AlcoholEdu advertises on its website that they can cut the rate of booze-related blackouts on campus, that’s not necessarily a good thing—there’s no better conversation at Sunday brunch than trying to piece together the night before. It’s comedy and drama wrapped into one.
Now, a few weeks into the school year, freshmen have discovered the Village A rooftops, and the program will be even less effective. Most have probably already found out on their own that gulping down more than five drinks in a night is the first step on a slippery, slippery slope to fun, not unlike a Slip ‘n Slide or a tipsy tumble down the Harbin patio steps. The Voice casually suggests that you learn from your mistakes.
So, this Saturday night, take six shots of Zelko, chase them with a keg stand and puke out your ignorance. If you can’t remember what you learned, remember that practice makes perfect.
