I have to admit, it was a real toss-up this week, deciding between a column on the exposure of a Columbian soccer team as a front for a drug cartel and Kim Jong Il’s apparent love of basketball. But then I remembered that Ron Artest’s hip-hop album was released this week. Oh, happy day.
Why do basketball players do this? If there is anything that Shaquille Rashuan O’Neal has taught us (in his divine wisdom), it is that in any society there must be a strict separation between basketball, hip-hop, martial arts videogames and movies about genies. Artest, however, deciding not to diversify his career in the most logical direction (boxing) has decided to ignore the experiences of several NBA stars before him, including Philadelphi 76ers forward Chris Webber when he was with the Sacramento Kings.
In a testament to his unyielding selflessness and his enlightened perspective on his place in the world, the name of the album is “My World.” This is not, however, Artest’s first foray into the world of hip-hop. Artest’s music career dates back at least as far as early in the 2004-05 season when he was suspended for two games by Pacers’ Coach Rick Carlisle after he allegedly asked for a month off because he was tired from promoting an R&B album for the group Allure on his label. It’s a sad state of affairs when a philistine like Carlisle can stand between a true “artest” and his work, just because of some half-baked expectation that he’ll do the job he’s being paid millions of dollars to do.
Artest is certainly not known for pulling punches. In one particular song, “Haters,” he spits all kinds of hot fire at NBA Commissioner David Stern. But he really courts disaster when he presses a lyrical Glock into the spine of “Today” co-host Matt Lauer. You know you’re a badass when you’ve got the balls do go after a guy like Lauer. Way to really push the limits of your genre. If I were Artest, I’d keep my eye out for the drive-by assassination attempt that is surely imminent. Lauer don’t play no goddamn games.
And of course, no album by Artest is complete without a reference to Jesus. And by reference, I mean self-comparison. That’s right, true believers. In “Haters,” as he reflects upon the now-infamous brawl between the Pistons and Pacers that went down in 2004, he says: “Didn’t plan none of this, but I’m condemned for all / They did the same to Jesus / So why (should) I be treated different?”
Damn straight. Ron Artest died for your sins, kids. Now go plop down 20 bucks for his album to show your gratitude and adoration. Peace.
