The Detroit Lions’ PR department would like you to think that their organization survived a brutal northeastern winter, crippling disease and crop failure with the help of a kind Indian named Squanto, and then celebrated their salvation with feasting and merriment and maybe some football. After sixty-seven years of Thanksgiving Day football, the Lions are integral to our modern tradition entwining the pigskin and the Pilgrims.
Sadly, some of the true sporting heroes of Thanksgiving are forgotten amidst the Manning and Madden and mashed potatoes. I speak of none other than our nation’s unappreciated legions of turkey hunters and the ladies that brighten Herald Square every third Thursday in November, the Radio City Music Hall Rockettes.
Without hunters or high-stepping, Thanksgiving just wouldn’t be the same. Turkeys do not just commit mass suicide every November, nor can the Macy’s Parade survive solely on Al Roker’s raw sex appeal.
Of course, I would be selling both groups short if I pretended that Thanksgiving were their only time to shine. According to the National Wild Turkey Federation (NWTF), hunting those gobbling goobers is a year-round activity, and a historic American sport. Our forefathers did not subsist on Bible verses and porridge alone. The Pilgrims were a hunting people, and the first Thanksgiving consisted of not only wild turkey (known for its reassuring burn and distinctive oak-aged taste …), but also venison and a variety of fowl. The NWTF’s website provides helpful tips for the avid hunter, from what kind of stumps to position oneself behind during the chase to tips on “defensive turkey hunting” to resources for lady hunters, including a feature on Foxy Huntress, a hip new clothing line for the outdoorswoman.
Speaking of ladies, the Rockettes may dress like slutty elves around the holidays, but only a fool would deny their raw athletic prowess. During the Christmas season (starting around Thanksgiving), Rockettes can perform up to five shows a day, requiring hours of training and rehearsal in between. Though most are mesmerized by their gams and great hair, Rockette routines require an incredible balance, grace and fitness that is more than what can be expected from many “real” athletes (ahem John Daley).
So next Thursday, as America drifts in and out of its tryptophanic haze, may we give thanks for the all that was made possible by the sacrifices of our puritanical ancestors: football, firearms and feisty females. God bless America.
