There’s something wrong with Boston sports. In fact, there is so much wrong with Boston sports, I’m writing this column from the roof of Healy Tower. And I’m not here to steal the clock hands.
Look, I’m like everyone else. It’s getting near finals time. Everyone is stressed. I want to be able to relax by slumping in my couch, burning some popcorn and watching my teams play well. If this could happen once, it would be nice. It’s not easy cursing at a television screen for two hours straight. If you were from Boston you would know.
This Sunday, Tom “The-Idiot-Maybe-Spend-Some-More-Time-Throwing-A-Football-And-Not-Petting-Goats-With-Giselle” Brady and his band of bumbling buttheads couldn’t even cover the spread, costing a lot of my buddies some hard-earned Tombs money. What’s up with that? Best team ever? More like the worst. They gave a measly Eagles team 22.5 points and still couldn’t deliver. Donovan McNabb didn’t even play. Are you kidding me? Get your head out of your hoodie, Belichick, and coach like you used to. Drew Bledsoe would never stand for this.
There’s another team from New England that I wish we could just give away to one of those other states, like Vermont or Delaware or something. The Revolution lost the Major League Soccer Championship this year. Most people might say nice, they got pretty far, right? Well, it’s the third friggin’ time in a row they lost. Three failures. We might as well be Buffalo, for Christ’s sake. Just put the ball in the net, guys, it’s pretty big. The Dynamo? Did they scare you? They’re named after a brand of sugar. I guess it’s ironic though, Revs. You guys are really sweet—at sucking.
The Red Sox won the World Series, you say? I say, shut the hell up. It’s about time. We had to wait 86 years for a Series title and they have the gall to make us wait three more years before they take another? Is that how long it took Fatty Schilling to lose all the weight he gained drinking his celebratory O’Doul’s after 2004? Now it looks like the Yankees are going to land the best pitcher in baseball—not Josh Beckett, he gives up a wicked lot of homeruns—Johan Santana. Our owner seems to have enough money to buy half of a NASCAR racing team, but won’t shell out some cash for a quality left-hander. Really smart.
Boston College football is choking their fair share, too. Did you see Matt Ryan against Maryland? He can kiss that Heisman goodbye. Yeah, they’re in the ACC championship game. But they’ll probably lose.
And don’t even get me started on the Celtics. Seriously. They lost to the Orlando Magic. The Magic used to have Shaq. They don’t anymore. That’s just embarrassing. I’m embarrassed. Maybe coach Doc Rivers should have his son, Hoya guard Jeremiah, called up and playing for the Green. He’s undefeated this year.
Hey, at least the Bruins have a winning record. Maybe I won’t hurl myself from a building, falling to an ugly, messy, sports paraphernalia-mangled death after all. It just gets hard sometimes being from Boston. I’m sure you understand. Thanks for listening.
