Last year, the all-knowing sports sages at ESPN offered the hungry masses a veritable steak dinner amidst the tasteless buffet of daytime television. The network’s retro affiliate, ESPN Classic, lived up to its name with the re-airing of a true television classic: American Gladiators.
Like any other television junkie, I welcomed the chance to break the monopoly that the hopelessly unfunny MadTV held on my daily background noise. But even as my rekindled love for the cheesy costumes and ridiculous commentary of Gladiators grew, I realized that the joy would not last. The re-runs were only temporary, and pretty soon the series would reclaim its place among metal and mullets, banished to memory and a two-minute segment on I Love the `90s.
Thankfully, few things are as undeniable as the marketability of nostalgia, and in a cloud of sweat, spandex and sunless tanner, American Gladiators has re-staked its claim on television.
For the unfortunate few who are unfamiliar with the series, the revamped game show pits amateur athletes against each other and a team of super-athletic “gladiators” in various games and obstacles. The new version, which airs on Monday nights on NBC, is very similar to the original series that ran off and on from 1989 to 1996.
The twelve new gladiators are bigger, stronger, faster and more ridiculous than the originals, but the essential personality types remain. The mantle of ultra-arrogant, clean-cut de facto leader has been passed to Mike O’Hearn, also known as Titan. The wild, alternative personality famously played in the original series by the golden-maned (read: blonde mullet) Malibu now belongs to Don Yates, aka Wolf. According to his bio on nbc.com, Wolf, who looks like a lovechild of Ted Nugent and He-man, is “able to smell fear” and “will ferociously defend his turf.” The female gladiators range from the beautiful Crush (Gina Carano) to the 200-pound immovable Hellga (Robin Coleman), a pig-tailed Valkyrie bent on “sending her opponents straight to Valhalla.”
The gladiators have clearly done their homework, cheesing up post-event interviews enough to make their gladiatorial ancestors proud. But the gladiators’ athleticism cannot be questioned—Crush is a Muay Thai boxer, boasting an undefeated mixed martial arts record, and Hellga took third place in the first ever World’s Strongest Woman competition.
The new batch of competitors also follows the mold of their early-90s counterparts. Each competitor is essentially an average Joe, albeit a very athletic average Joe. There’s Anthony, the New York City firefighter, Belinda, the 36-year-old bull rider and Molivann, the 24-year-old student, to name a few. There are 24 in all (12 male, 12 female) competing in the tournament, and the winner from each division will take home $100,000 and the chance to be a gladiator next season. The new competitors have already produced several Youtube-worthy photo finishes and two have already fallen to injury in the intense physical competition.
There are no fatalistic feelings to be had with this newest gladiator rendering—it is here to stay. Over 11 million viewers watched last Monday, and taping will begin this spring for the second season. There are also talks of a nationwide live tour and an animated series. The gladiator explosion has hit harder than a Titan-wielded pugil-stick, but it begs the question—is this too much of a good thing? Not a chance.
