We’re now three weeks into the New Year, which means, for most of us, that we’re two weeks removed from breaking our New Year’s resolutions. It’s no fault of our own. It takes a special kind of person to stave off the cravings induced by Little Debby or L.C. from Laguna Beach—both evil temptresses in their own right.
The resolution to work out may be the most popularly failed because it’s so difficult to maintain. The travel, the effort, the ringworm from publicly used equipment—it’s all so hard. It’s made even tougher, though, when Yates Field House is so crowded that patrons are rubbing those undesirable bellies up against one another because there’s no room to do much of anything else. But now that we’re almost a month since January 1, there’s a select, strong-willed group of folks who have stuck with their resolution and are becoming part of the Yates culture.
The following is a list of characters that these people will inevitably fit into like a sweaty one-piece spandex. Some will fit like the girls from the “Call on Me” music video. Others will force it on like Richard Simmons. But everyone has their place, whether they know it or not.
The list may even attract a whole new brood of Yatesians. Having a good laugh at the people around you can be just as effective as a set of 8-minute abs, right?
The Mirror Man: Never shy to produce their best Ron Burgundy impersonation, Mirror Men love doing sets of “about a thousand” curls, stopping only when they notice no one is looking. A victim of frequent attacks by the Sleeve Monster, he’ll flex in front of the mirror for extended periods of time, not feeling nearly as awkward as everyone around him. The Mirror Man is a giving breed, however. He does not hesitate to give unwanted lifting advice to anyone working out within a 15-foot radius of him. For those farther away, he’ll motivate you to speed up your workout because you won’t be able to handle his grunting any longer.
The Speed Demoness: This female species can be seen dominating elliptical machines for the better part of a day. If she’s not watching MTVu on mute, she’ll digest an entire issue of People Magazine faster than you can gasp “I, ugh, hate, ugh, Kristen Cavalieri.” Speed Demonesses tend to run in packs, wearing spandex pants of different varieties but always sure to have the ear buds in place that match their getup. As a unit, they produce enough energy to heat Georgetown classrooms during the winter months.
The Lost Puppy: This species is usually characterized by its brand new protective weight-lifting gloves. He can also be seen hovering around the unused machines or staring at the unconventional combinations of weights he’s just loaded onto the bar. He constantly exudes an air of complete and utter confusion, as if his entire sense of reality has been skewed by the fumes protruding from other, sweatier patrons.
The Amazon: This breed gets her name not for her size, but for her confidence. People fear her. Not because she’s stronger than you, though she may be. She’s the minority in a group of testosterone-filled Joes, and she’s fine with it. She dons the spandex as well, but this female breaks from the Speed Demonesses to tone with weight resistance, inadvertently raising the effort level of every Mirror Man and Lost Puppy she sees.
The Mr. Oldlympia: This white-haired workhorse can normally be seen wearing little more than short nylon shorts and a V-neck undershirt. But what he doesn’t have in style he makes up for in wisdom and efficiency. He might be seen anywhere, from the Stair Master to the leg-press machine, and he doesn’t care what you think about him. He also carries a towel wherever he goes and does a thorough job of wiping down his spot when he’s finished, much to the appreciation of everyone.
— Additional reporting by Dan Mita
