Even though I gave up on Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny a long, long time ago, my Mom still puts presents from “Santa” under the tree and gives us Easter baskets after Church. Incidentally, my parents also send me Halloween candy and a Valentine’s Day package every year, and if you’re wondering, neither is less embarrassing than the other.
But candy is candy, right? I loved candy before alcohol, but both currently rank high on my list of indulgences. So, in the spirit of immaturity as we get ready for the lighter days of spring, I offer a very unsophisticated way to use and abuse booze: alcoholic candy.
Rummibears (rum plus Gummi bears, natch) is a personal favorite. For saturation purposes, it is important to avoid bears that are too soft or too hard; Haribo Gummi bears or the CVS brand work pretty well. Put however many bears you want to inebriate into a cup or bowl and fill with rum—the darker the better—until it just covers the candy. Let the bears stand until they’ve sufficiently soaked up the rum. This should only take a day or so, but the longer you wait, the less sticky your buzzed bears will become. This process can also be applied to worms.
If your stomach can’t handle rum like mine can’t handle tequila or beer, try soaking the Gummies in vodka. A flavored vodka—vanilla or raspberry, for example—would probably be less revolting than the plain old variety.
For those who would rather drink their candy than eat it, I offer homemade Skittles Vodka. Yes, it looks as frightening as it sounds. Take a one-pound bag of Skittles, divide the colors, and put each into a bottle—glass is best, but I used plastic water bottles; aside from the cancer I might get later, they worked fine. Cover the Skittles with six ounces of vodka. Despite my predilection for all things Burnett’s, try to use a slightly higher-quality liquor for this: Smirnoff or Stolichnaya will do. Shake the bottles vigorously, until the bottom-dwelling candies have lost their artificial coloring, and let stand. The Skittles should take a few hours to dissolve, at which point you can shake the bottles again, then put them in the fridge to chill overnight. When you’re ready to drink, you can either strain the mixture through coffee filters or stomach the white crap that remains from the candy coating.
Frankly, Skittles Vodka is not nearly as palatable as the rummibears, and its phosphorescence is enough to repel a good majority of sober people. Best as a stand-alone, Skittles Vodka is a sugar-laden and fruity potent, and goes down easier than any plain or flavored vodka shot; the only thing it adds to any mixer is a disturbing, slightly-neon hue.
And Skittles Vodka is as conspicuous as rummibears are not. You could, for example, take the Gummi bears from your Easter Basket, turn them into rummibears, take them to church, and nosh on a few while your family eats the Holy Eucharist. Then you can wash them down with a little communion wine. Sure, you may look like a sleaze, but God will forgive you. That is why Jesus died for our sins, isn’t it?
