You’ve got issues: Take it with a grain of salt

April 26, 2012

Dear Emlyn,
I’m obsessed with movies, and there are a LOT that I want to watch with my girlfriend. But we only have three weeks left in the semester! She probably does not care to see all of them, but HOW DO I KNOW WHICH ONES SHE DOES CARE TO SEE?! I mean, I can’t ask her directly, that’s weird. On top of this, we have to wait until the fall to watch the next season of
Breaking Bad, and that’s just a tragedy. Fix my problems.
—Swaggy Swate

Swaggy Swate,
I live to fix your problems, so thank goodness you wrote in. Let’s see what I can do.
While I’m sure your girlfriend would love to watch all of them, time is indeed of the essence. Nothing I can do about that one (besides suggesting that you skip copious amounts of class to watch movies, which is always okay no matter how much time is left in the semester). You have a couple of options for deciding what to watch: you can live life on your own terms and be all like, “we’re watching what I want to watch!” Perhaps it’s a little selfish, but that way you don’t have to worry about your girlfriend and her feelings and stupid stuff like that. You can also use a method that I developed to determine my dog’s favorite toys. Pick up the stack of films, wave them in her face, and then throw them all in different directions. Whichever one she runs after first is the one she wants to watch most. Other than that, maybe just ask her directly, even though you find that weird for some reason. Deal with it.
And sorry about Breaking Bad, I’m waiting ‘til the fall as well. We can get through the meth withdrawal together.
Dear Emlyn,
This summer, I will be traveling abroad to teach English in a foreign country. I would name the location, but it would give away my identity! (And we certainly don’t want that.) I was added on the Facebook group for the student teachers a couple of weeks ago, and this one fine gentleman caught my eye. I mean, it definitely wasn’t love at first sight; it’s a Facebook profile photo, for Pete’s sake. But there was something, almost providence, that guided me to him. He is a photographer, like me, and his photos are out of this world. Yes, I did stalk his profile. I guess what I am getting at, is it weird that I have developed some sort of interest in this guy? It’s definitely not true love, but there is something, maybe an inkling of hope inside of me, that when we meet, there will be that spark. In the meantime, however, here I am, sitting, wishing, and waiting, on the dock of the bay, wasting time.

Dear #GirlsJustWantToHaveFun,
Before I begin, your summer sounds a heck of a lot more impressive than mine. Not that it’s difficult to be a more impressive person than I am, but still. Mad props, and Godspeed.
Ahhh, the ever-confusing Facebook crush. It’s a modern phenomenon that happens to the best of us. So, don’t worry at all about the stalking—what else is Facebook even for? Farmville? I have to say that I don’t think your situation is that weird; you have a common interest in photography, you’re going to have the shared experience of teaching English abroad, and presumably his profile picture was all kinds of hot (otherwise your stalking would have been short-lived, duh). So no worries on that one; it’s totally okay that you’re looking forward to meeting this kid.
That said, don’t get your heart set on your fantasy Facebook fellow. Remember that people make their own virtual profiles and basically depict themselves in the way that they’d like to be seen, so who knows what kind of personality quirks this guy may have that he manages to hide on Facebook. Six sons and daughters by the time he reached the ninth grade, inability to form coherent sentences, no knowledge of the Legally Blonde films…you could be dealing with some scary stuff. Just take everything you read with a grain of salt and see where things go once you meet him in the flesh.

Send your wildest inquiries to ecrenshaw@georgetownvoice.com


Read More

Notify of

1 Comment
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments