A History of Bro’s

Frederick Douglass once perspicaciously noted that “food to the indolent is poison, not sustenance.”

Okay, now that I’ve gotten all the bros to stop reading, I’m going to explain how I discovered the source of the History Channel’s destruction.

Once upon a time, the History Channel aired one-hour documentaries about just what you’d expect from a channel of that name—history. The subject matter was languid and pedantic, but at least it made you smarter. But, why do I see Swamp Land and Ancient Aliens when I tune into the History Channel these days?

The answer: Bros.

I found myself watching television on an average Sunday night when a herd of bros planted themselves into the couch. After surrendering the TV for a couple of minutes to escape their noxious body spray, I came back to exactly what I expected–a standard trashy television show. Then I saw what channel this program was on: the History Channel.

Wait. Isn’t trashy TV reserved for Jerry Springer and Home Improvement reruns?  Nope, not anymore. The History Channel has now managed to fill its roster with hick gems like Swamp People, Cajun Pawn Stars, Big Shrimping, and Hairy Bikers. Folks, you can’t make this shit up.

So legions of bros presumably lounge in front of this garbage every couple of days and hike up the ratings for these asinine programs. These bastards have taken away my favorite one-hour specials on Hitler’s mistresses, and History Channel’s conspiracy specials on Shakespeare’s venereal diseases have been substituted with juvenile UFO cover-up shows (“You wanna know why Arrested Development got canceled after three seasons? Aliens.”). While the History Channel may have never held itself to pristine standards, this new dip into reality programming indicates that something is undoubtedly wrong with our society. And bros, you’re not the only contributor to this problem. Still, you’re the first people I caught watching this stuff, so it’s you I’m going to pick on.

As I sat in the living room, watching the bros congregate around the TV, I noticed one thing; they weren’t paying attention. Swamp People was merely background noise for their back-and-forths about who fucked who and what hand they jerk off with. Holy hell, these people aren’t even aware of the petulance they’re supporting! They left before the episode finished, and I, of course, continued where they left off. As expected, the show felt like the offspring of The Waterboy and The Blair Witch Project. Entertaining? Yes. Historic?  By no means whatsoever.

So where does the knowledge-hungry yet lethargic consumer find his daily dose of history now that the History Channel has betrayed its most avid followers?  PBS is a step in the right direction, but that may be taking the word “history” a little too literally. We want pop-history, not Robert Caro interviews. The Military Channel and History International also offer a decent dose of Civil War specials, but the narrow focus may polarize general audiences; on top of this, they usually aren’t included in cable and satellite providers’ standard packages. There’s really no place left to turn to but the library, but despite our educators’ best efforts, the amount of voluntary reading the average American engages in is utterly depressing.

Therefore, the only way to solve this problem is for bros to recognize what channel they turn to before they completely zone out. There’s got to be at least 3 or 4 million bros in this country, so habitual avoidance of History Channel programming could have a formidable impact on Swamp People’s ratings. Like most things in bro culture, this little behavioral shift should spread like a contagion. Within a few months, the History Channel should be playing your favorite Stalin biography instead of a two-hour report on the imminent Dec. 21, 2012 apocalypse.

Let’s end this discussion with an anecdote that exemplifies what constitutes history and what constitutes the History Channel’s pseudo-history. When Ali G spoke to Gore Vidal about the definition of history, Mr. G recounted the high school story of how he fingered a girl and let his friends smell his finger for ten pence. The girl subsequently told Ali G he was history.  Ali G took this statement to heart and posited the question to Gore Vidal: “Is I history?”  Yes, Ali G, you are more historic than any of these gator-stalking rednecks will ever be.