Our Washington Wizards need to rebuild. The team is 9-43 so far this season, dead last in the NBA, and on pace to break the franchise’s record for most losses in a season that they set last year. We’ve come up with magical solutions to fix the team—and we’re expecting a check from Wizards’ owner Ted Leonsis any day now.
Plan A: Draft and develop
Washington’s front office needs to draft well. The reigning champion Celtics drafted their two star players. Oklahoma City amassed draft capital and built a young core that propelled the team to first in the Western Conference. If the Wizards want to improve, they need to emulate these franchises’ patience and talent evaluation.
The Wizards have acquired three first-round picks and 12 second-rounders since General Manager Michael Winger joined the team in 2023. While the extra first-round selections are nice, the army of second-round picks hold little value. Only 20% of players picked in the second round stay on an NBA roster after five years, let alone become all-stars. The Wizards should acquire more first-rounders where they can, like trading Marcus Smart in the off-season, whom Washington just acquired from Memphis. Otherwise, it could be leading scorer Jordan Poole in the trade cauldron next.
Beyond capital, Washington needs to develop their young talent. Second overall pick Alex Sarr has played fine compared to other rookies, sitting at fourth in points, first in blocks, and ninth in assists, all per game. Sophomore Bilal Coulibaly has started to make an impact, with his 12.6 points per game. Still, these players must be more productive to justify their high selections in the 2023 and 2024 drafts. That will take extensive coaching, something new coach Brian Keefe has indicated a willingness to do. However, that will take time—which is boring, so here’s how we fix them now.
Plan C: Cheat
If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying. The Astros won the World Series. The Patriots won the Super Bowl. The leagues did not meaningfully punish them, either. So, the Wizards should do the same. Washington has kept its payroll at $43 million under the league-leading team. Why not just divide some of that money between the referees at the start of each game?
Alternatively, the Wizards could prioritize invention. For example, design a way to make their shoes jump higher. Or add some special sauce to their workout routines. Our best idea is to bend the rims. Make opponents shoot on a slightly broken hoop so they miss more of their shots. However, teams switch directions every quarter, so the Wizards will need some serious magic to switch which one of the hoops is angled every quarter.
Plan LeWizards: LeBron
LeBron James is the one person who is unequivocally capable of rescuing a franchise’s success. How do we get him to Washington? By showing him an offer he can’t turn down: the 2028 presidency. Who can convince him? Kamala Harris.
James voted for the Harris-Walz ticket in the 2024 election, and former Vice President Harris has already returned to her California home. Harris is in a perfect position to persuade LeBron of a potential move to D.C. and advise his campaigning. Her infectious laugh will surely hype LeSunshine and convince him of his rightful spot as our nation’s leader. We expect his large and diehard fan base to vote for him.
With LeBron as president in 2028, he’d have to move into the White House. The James family will need Secret Service details to ensure their safety. Since Bronny James will be in the midst of an illustrious career by then, he’ll need double the agents to watch over him. The Secret Service can’t afford to send all those agents to California full time, so as soon as LeBron finalizes his campaign, Bronny will start the move to D.C. with a trade to the Wizards. So, if Bronny is on the Wizards, and LeBron wants to play with Bronny, where does LeBron need to be? On the Wizards.
If that doesn’t work, we throw a massive bag at Bronny and hope LeBron follows him. Fifty million should do the trick. We know he’d get playing time.
Plan E: Effort
NBA commissioner Adam Silver feels that the aggressive defense of the 1990s was too physical and that emphasis on physicality overshadowed players’ individuality. However, some believe the league’s defense is lackluster and minimizes the excitement of the game. But defense doesn’t have to be pure physicality. Quick switches to unguarded players and hustle efforts make a big difference. Proactive defenders stymie fast breaks by knocking away a pass or keeping the pressure on the ball. Here the Wizards have an advantage. Our team is the youngest in the NBA and has yet to develop the star power that makes telling legends like Steph Curry to play defense impossible.
The benefits of good defense are intangible but invaluable: it can swing momentum, inspire teammates, and keep a team in the game. Getting a rebound to a teammate creates another potential scoring possession while taking one away from your opponent. Sticking on a guy and preventing his shot demoralizes and exhausts him. Blocks are more exhilarating than three-pointers because they’re not as easy to come by. We have the power of youth on our side—harness the team’s energy to terrorize lethargic teams.
It’s hard to keep that energy up in a losing season. The league average points per game is 113.3, and the Wizards average 107.8. That’s a scoring gap we can make up with a consistent defense. None of our trade-deadline players boast much offensive talent, so this is the only shot for resurrecting what’s left of the season.
Plan D: Disaster Draft
Now, we know this looks bad, but hear us out. A disaster draft is a contingency plan for professional sports teams in the case of an accident that kills or disables many players. The NBA’s disaster draft allows an affected team to steal five players from five different teams’ rosters. Those other teams can only protect their five most prized players from a draft. The idea is that the affected team would pick up the unprotected, quality “sixth” men, or the team’s sixth best player. Any quality man would greatly improve the Wizards’ play. The most humane way to disappear the Wizards’ players is through the Witness Protection Program.
First, we find top-secret national security documents relating to some dangerous Russian spy operation. Second, we publicly say this information was leaked in front of the Washington Wizards. Third, these players will be asked to testify against the spies after the documents are accidentally destroyed. Thus, we enter them into the Witness Protection Program to ensure they make it to the trial without being knocked off. However, this means they’ll all need to have different identities and essentially cease to exist in their previous lives. That serves our purpose of drafting all new players. The players are safe and alive (albeit not playing in the NBA anymore), and we get some quality sixth men to start for us.
Food for thought
We could offer LeBron a guided tour of the Capitol and bring guest lecturers to the games—those opportunities enticed many Georgetown students to D.C. Perhaps give him or Bronny an internship at Deloitte over in Arlington?
Pull up a new G-League guy every game to take out the other team’s best player.
Hold open tryouts for European league players.
Adam Silver vetoes all trades and everyone goes back to where they were before the trade deadline. We’re still upset about the other trades.
