Gentlemen: Are you burned out on dating within the District? More specifically, have you run out of places to take your lady-friends that do not, by this point, either bore you senseless or remind you of romantic failures past (you know, unpleasant memories such as awkward, fork-tapping silences and liquor-induced, unsolicited, inappropriate self-revelations)? Perhaps you are starting to consider the hair-tearing possibility that those same damn three or four joints that you keep taking them to are all mystically cursing your chances. Whether the overpriced, service-challenged, redundant Washington establishments have worked for you or not, it is likely that you could still use a change of pace and so can your dates.
Take the next one to Baltimore. Now, Baltimore is by no means a city of romance; you may have witnessed its industrial monstrosity. Factories flank the highway, their thick exhaust pipes spotting the metal-and-concrete landscape in a jagged, quasi-futuristic fashion; the moderately dense skyline looms in the background. This, however??if not romantic at first consideration??is nevertheless impressive and refreshing in its anti-Georgetownism. By bringing your date to a new place, a true-blue city, you will infuse your rendezvous with an electricity of mystery and novelty. Away from DC’s too-familiar tightness of population, the possibilities are infinite (provided that the two of you survive the ride there, which could either function as a bonding experience or an hour of why-did-I-get-myself-into-this-because-she-really-sucks).
Go straight to the Inner Harbor??the exits will be marked. There must be other places of interest in Baltimore, but few people who are not residents of the city seem to know about them. It is certain that they exist, and probably lack the money-sucking commercialism and clich? nature of the chain establishment-infested Inner Harbor. But there is nothing wrong with going the well-trodden, commercial route on the first date. In many ways, it is the way to go if you are still in the process of gauging the lady’s preferences. Chains ring familiar, comforting bells to all; they are not too committal or intimate and are actually somehow cute in their clich?-ism. Think about it. What sounds cuter??”I took her to Planet Hollywood and we shared cheese fries and laughed at the Sly Stallone posters” or “I brought her to this really edgy coffee house and we had tofu burgers and the music was all experimental and loud”? Of course, it all depends on the girl. The point of the safe commercial route is that very often, you just don’t know her, like, at all.
After parking at one of the designated garages in one of the high rises by the water (there is no other option and yes, you will get ripped off), you should purchase tickets to the famous Baltimore Aquarium. Although pricey at $16.00 a ticket, it’s a must. After all, it is a way to slip into a dark atmosphere during daylight, a way to cheat the hour. Conveniently, the large crowds often force you to stand snugly close to one another as you gaze at the strange underwater creatures??a yummy perk not to be neglected. Additionally, you can show off your knowledge of scientific factoids (i.e., “Did you know that, unlike other sharks, nurse sharks do not need to move in order to breathe?”). If she’s a Georgetowner??hence potentially some form of nerd??there is a possibility she could be impressed. Finally, dolphin shows are free and fun and happen a few times through the day; and, if you happen to sit in the “Splash Zone” and she is wearing a white top …
The Harbor offers a huge selection of places to eat. From the ESPN Sports Zone (unless you know her to enjoy sports, taking her there would be equivalent to Homer giving Marge a bowling ball for her birthday) to the Cheesecake Factory to California Pizza Kitchen to Hard Rock Cafe to Planet Hollywood. You should not be at a loss in this department, lest you are overwhelmed by the selection. Needless to say, it is probably best to patronize the eatery for dessert or appetizers only … There is nothing romantic about yelling over screaming babies while trying to find a spot to sit down while holding on to your green plastic tray for dear life. Unless she’s into that sort of self-serve communal dining atmosphere on first dates. Who knows, it may relax her, take the edge off … but if you don’t know, steer clear.
Other than the aquarium, endless shops and places to eat, the Inner Harbor boasts a hands-on science center with an I-Max theater, as well as historic boats and submarines (again, to feed that nerdy brain). The two of you can even rent a paddleboat. I challenge you to think of anything cuter than that. Especially if you split a Ben & Jerry’s cone while paddling. But don’t get ahead of yourself. Saliva-sharing is a big step.
On a beautiful day, the Harbor glistens. Everyone seems happy. It is really a fun place to be. Just be ready to part with some major cash and try to enjoy the self-deprecating, one-thing-on-top-of-another commercialism. If things go really well, you two can cap the night with a boogie at Lava Lounge (a well-known waterside club/bar). Maybe Baltimore will be the key to energizing your dating gridlock. It sure beats thoughtful and deliberate self-analysis. So go, take her there.
