I don’t know how many of you chilled over in the domain of the G to the P to the B a few weeks back on Village C lawn, watching Dark Side of Oz as the clouds rolled on by. And I don’t know how many of you know a certain Voice staffer who has tried the same effect with South Park: The Movie, but either way, Pink Floyd and the boys have nothing on trippy musical effects.
What am I talking about, you may ask? Well, let me illustrate and illuminate, cogitate and ruminate, on the sports-related (sure, you say … sure) crooning of one Kid Rock. Consider “Only God Knows Why.”
“I’ve been sitting here … trying to find myself … “
Clearly, Kid Rock is referring to Miami Heat coach Pat Riley, whom he must know because both men are active on the trendy (read: fake) South Beach social scene. Riley, once considered one of the best coaches in the game (read: he rolled out the balls to the Lakers), is now a shadow of his former self, unable to take the Heat anywhere, even with the Willis Reed-esque (read: a Heat can never be likened to a Knick) comeback of ‘Zo. Riley has no idea what he’s doing and is clearly plagued by flashbacks of John Starks in Game 7, 1994 …
“They say that every man bleeds just like me … “
No they don’t. For Scott Stevens clearly is a superior man in almost every way to the rest of the NHL. Have you seen the hits this guy drops on fools? It’s like crossing the blue line to find a Mack Truck. Stevens is clearly some deity, and thus bleeds differently than others.
“I take too many pills to help to ease the pain … “
Obvious reference to Eric Lindros.
“Everyone knows my name; they say it way out loud … ”
This is clearly a reference to Tiger Woods, who really needs to be stopped. He’s destroying an entire generation of college students … when we all get old and gray and go golfing with our retired friends, everytime we take a mulligan on the 16th at Cedar Woods, some doof is gonna yell, “Ain’t no Tiger, eh?” And then we’re going to throw our seven iron at him, creating a lawsuit that could empty our pockets of retirement money. Hey, trust me. Why do you think my dad applied for financial aid here?
“I guess that’s the price you pay, to be some big shot like I am … outstretched hands and one night stands, but still I can’t find love … ”
If you don’t think this deals with Shawn Kemp, circa 1995 Seattle, then call up me for my extra chromosome. God knows I ain’t using it. Kemp fathered 183 children out of wedlock in his heyday as “The Reign-man” (OK, so that was an exaggeration … ) and then moved down the coast to Portland (with a brief stop in Ohio), got fat, and lost all role model status, proving once again that Gary Payton wore the pants in that relationship. Kemp does cocaine now, which also proves he clearly learned nothing from the whole “1980s” period …
“You get what you put in … ”
I bet Kevin McHale wished he listened to this song, eh? $125 million for Garnett and still no playoff series wins …
Trippy, eh? Clearly Kid Rock knows a lot about sports. Clearly I really do not, because I could have analyzed the Bucks vs. Magic series in the space above, but I chose to rock it out with obscure song lyrics linked to sporting events. I hope I can improve before next year, when “Now Batting for the Pink Team … ” becomes a regular feature in these here pages.
But y’all remember. I’m a cowboy, baby.
