Seeing as The Sermon has undergone a changing of the guard, we feel that it is only fair to lay out our new allegiances.
First and foremost, we hate the Yankees. Their attempt to steal Jason Giambi from an exciting, young and improving A’s squad is nauseating. They should stick with paying tools like Derek Jeter $100 million. Yes, Tony Womack did outplay him in the World Series, and, yes, we’re sure we could look better in a dress than he did on Saturday Night Live.
Secondly, we love Notre Dame football. It wasn’t a fall Saturday afternoon for us from age seven to 13 without watching Kevin McDougal, Ray Zellers and Bryant Young pummel Navy or Rutgers year after year. However, the Irish have fallen on hard times of late and finally rid themselves of one of the most overmatched coaches in history, Bob Davie. We say replace him with Jon Gruden, a NFL pretty boy we all can love because this one makes good decisions and gets results. Did anyone else think Jerry Rice had anything left?
Speaking of college football, where did Tennessee come from? How can you be 18-point underdogs one week and then be one throwaway game away from playing for the national title the next? The answer is that everyone underestimated undersized running back Travis Stephens, who wove his way through the Florida D for 226 yards. Miami better prepare to get hit with a lot of Stephens or else it will be a longer Rose Bowl than everyone expects.
Turning to college basketball, we have to say that we’re glad to see the Tar Heels struggling. Every team needs to go through a down stretch and it’s Carolina’s turn. Besides, isn’t it fun to see smug Carolina fans leave their arena wondering just how they lost to Davidson? Also, any school that turned Eric Montross into a top-10 draft pick deserves to be punished eventually.
Of course, as this NBA season has shown us, college basketball really doesn’t prepare anyone for the NBA anymore. Pau Gasol and Tony Parker seem like the best European imports since the Spice Girls and are hands down the best rookies in the NBA. Just wait until next year when China’s Yao Ming dunks on a helpless Brendan Haywood and you’ll see what we’re talking about.
We’d like to end this column with a very simple outlook of how we think the major sporting events of late December and early January will unfold. In a stunning reversal, the A’s cough up the money to save Giambi from George Steinbrenner’s claws but only after Oakland management makes everyone in the Bay Area grow Giambi-like goatees. The Arizona Cardinals will realize that they are and will forever be a terrible football team and force Jake Plummer to be contractually obligated to throw three interceptions every game. Georgetown alum Alonzo Mourning will get so frustrated with the Miami Heat’s losing ways that he will ruffle Pat Riley’s hair, causing the coach to resign on the spot. Finally, on Dec. 29 Mike Sweetney will wear Jason Kapono’s headband as an anklet when the Hoyas run through the Bruins by 15, causing Dan Gadzuric to think wistfully about getting dunked on by Yao Ming next year.
