I have often heard that you should write what you know; a college student would be better to write about matters like classes or drinking beer, than say, a narrative about the Civil War from the perspective of a Union soldier. However, right now, the only thing I feel like I could write from knowledge would be the template of a Matt Foley motivational speaker sketch on Saturday Night Live.
My name is Gina Pace, I am 21-years old, and I live in a van down by the river. (Actually, I live in Pensacola, Fla. waiting to study abroad, but another writer proverb is to stick with what works.) Even though there might be some factual alterations, the skit would convey the same basic message that all Matt Foley sketches do?I, like Matt Foley, am doing nothing. In the same way that Matt Foley couldn’t come up with anything to motivate an audience, I can’t come up with anything from my life to write a good piece.
Sure, in a week I will be going to Chile, and I will have many exciting things to write about from the “Boy, do I feel dumb because I can’t speak Spanish” piece, to the classic “Girl meets boy; girl falls in love; boy only wants a green card” piece. But until then, I’m stuck, unless you want to hear about how cool an Ipod is?1,000 songs in your pocket.
The trouble is, I can think of so many things I could write about if I were someone else. I could write wonderful things about what I know?only if I were some other person. My first pick would be a French ice cave explorer, like the one in the IMAX film Journey Into Amazing Caves. In the movie, Jacques, or some other really French guy spelunks into an ice cave 500 feet deep. Danger is heightened because ice has a tendency to break a lot easier than rock does, and it can also melt. I sat in the theater tense, wondering if Jacques would be able to outsmart the perilous environmental conditions. I also wondered if Jacques liked the Moody Blues, because the soundtrack of Journey Into Amazing Caves was all a remix of “Nights in White Satin.” Of course, Jacques prevails (although his music tastes are left unexplained). He succeeds because he is a French ice cave explorer. I mean, maybe if he had been American or some other nationality, he wouldn’t have pulled through, but those French explorers, well, they know their stuff. If only I was Jacques, I could write about it.
My second choice would be a rock star. If I had to be more specific, I would say either Jewel, Billy Idol or someone from Def Leppard (these choices were not made because of my affinity for these artists?even though Billy Idol is amazing?but rather their stories). I’m not saying my writing would be as original as if I were a French ice cave explorer, because all of the Behind the Musics are pretty much the same. I think, however, the Voices-piece format would perfectly suit a rock star. I could devote separate essays to “Living in my car really blew,” “My wife caught me having an affair on the baby monitor” or “I am a one-armed drummer.”Alas, while I maintain that my musical stylings are pure genius, no one else agrees. Aside from a short stint as “tambourine girl” in a band that opened for Hootie and the Blowfish, I will never know rock ‘n’ roll fame.
Right now, I would even go for being J?rgen Cleemann. For those who aren’t acquainted, J?rgen is a senior in the College and a columnist for the Voice. So far this semester, he has written about his failed plans to take power and his plight as a dark-haired lad in a land where there were only blonds.
J?rgen destroys my theory. J?rgen doesn’t do anything. He doesn’t spelunk and he doesn’t harbor a talent at a musical instrument. He was a high school wrestler, sold hot dogs outside of his Village B apartment to drunken passers-by for a while, and also had a penchant for exorcising demons. Yes, all of those actions require some sort of explanation?they are things he could write about. But J?rgen seems able to write about anything and somehow make it interesting. He discusses his misogyny in a piece about cancelling his cell phone plan. He can write a page and a half about living at 40th and W and the merits of well-developed calf muscles. J?rgen, if the kind of technology displayed in the movies Face Off or Mission Impossible 2 becomes available, be afraid. Sleep lightly. I might steal your face, or craft a convincing face-replica mask. Until then, unfortunately for me, J?rgen’s identity will belong to J?rgen only. French ice cavers, rock stars, Jorgen: I salute you. At some point, I hope to become as interesting.
Gina Pace is a junior in the School of Foreign Service and an associate editor of The Georgetown Voice. Next week, she will be kicking around a milk carton outside of a Chilean classroom building.
