We at the Sermon are huge fans of sports malcontents because they provide hilarious fodder for us on a weekly basis. It gets even better when sports fans contribute equally to the stupidity that we enjoy lampooning. For us, it doesn’t get much better than this past week.
We start in the world of college basketball, where the Maryland Terrapins won their first National Championship this week by defeating the woefully overmatched Indiana Hoosiers. Maryland fans, win or lose, can always be counted on to express their feelings by burning stuff and breaking windows. Fortunately, this time was no different as the Terp fans celebrated their victory by throwing bottles at police and dragging couches outside to light on fire. Although we’re sure that we wouldn’t participate in such a display, it would, however, be cool to be identified as “a reveler” in the caption of an Associated Press photo like one rioting Maryland fan so immortalized.
Similarly, in Bloomington, Ind., a city formerly known for its cow-tipping and deification of Bob Knight, fans expressed their displeasure at their team not being able to shoot more than 35 percent from the field and 29 percent from the foul line by roughing up enough policemen to get tear gassed. It’s a sign of something special when teams, win or lose, can riot together for “One Shining Moment.”
As screwed up as we’re sure some of the “revelers” were in Maryland and Indiana, nothing, however, can compare to the sheer stupidity of San Francisco Giants’ second baseman Jeff Kent. Kent, who apparently never saw The Karate Kid and didn’t learn the proper way to wax cars, initially claimed he broke his wrist while washing his truck. However, there were later reports that Kent injured the wrist while trying to pop wheelies on his motorcycle. Advice for Jeff: If you’re going to lie, then lie well; if you’re going to be a Hell’s Angel and get your wrist caught in your leather jacket while riding, then at least admit it. In our eyes, it’s still much cooler to get hurt on a Harley than while washing your Dodge Ram.
Finally, we end our piece by changing gears and making a plea to the greatest of all time, Michael Jordan, who put himself out for the season yesterday after scoring a career low two points Tuesday night against the Lakers.
Mike, we know you’re great and we love you for coming back so that we could see you play again, but it’s time to hang it up. Don’t screw with your injured knee anymore, don’t screw with your legacy anymore, and most importantly, don’t screw with our vision of you. Because it’s so much cooler to think of you with your tongue out, and dunking from the three-point line than sitting on the bench with an ice pack on your knee.
