With the recent shootings in the D.C. suburbs, many residents are obviously concerned for their safety. We at Voice Leisure are likewise concerned about your safety, so we recommend that everyone avoid such everyday activities as filling your car with gas and shopping at Home Depot. Instead, you should just rent a movie or, better yet, download it from Kazaa, because if you leave your house you will be shot (Repeat: You will be shot). This way, you can stay inside and increase the chances of your neighbor getting plugged instead of you. Since we like to do your thinking for you here at Voice Leisure, we’ve come up with a suggested list of films to distract you from your worries:
The 1993 classic Sniper is an excellent choice to chase away those worried-about-being-shot-in-the-back-of-the-head blues. The film is about two snipers: one, a hardened, care-free pro, played by Tom Berenger, the other, a compulsively clean rookie, played by no one of consequence. They team up with hilarious results, as they are sent to assassinate a South American drug lord.
Another scrumptious film choice is The Substitute starring Tom Berenger, in which a retired CIA operative goes undercover to investigate a street gang that might be funneling drugs into their school. The substitute is forced to infiltrate a gang of students and exact his special brand of vigilante justice, Tom Berenger-style.
Rounding out our list of action-packed escapism is the 1988 blockbuster Shoot to Kill, in which all pretenses as to Berenger’s true motives are dropped. Starring the irrepressible Tom Berenger, Shoot to Kill is, without exaggeration, the greatest film ever made. The story revolves around Berenger and his insatiable bloodlust, as he exacts a harsh and arbitrary revenge upon the world.
Having proven his proficiency in firearms, his steel-willed determination, his possession of a penetrating, smoky gaze and vigilante-like sense of justice, Tom Berenger is clearly unstoppable. Meanwhile, police have few leads to go on in bringing the D.C. sniper to justice. While we certainly have no intention of doing Chief Moose’s job for him, we would like to mention that when recently polled on the “Am I the D.C. sniper or not?” website (http://ami.iamcal.com/index.php?site=THE+DC+SNIPER), 21 people stongly felt that Tom Berenger was, in fact, the D.C. sniper. Fortunately, you can decide for yourself while sitting in the safety of your own home viewing any number of excessively violent Tom Berenger movies.
