We goin’ sizzla

I was fortunate enough to have good tickets to the Jazz-76ers preseason game this past weekend. From my seat, I couldn’t help but notice the ridiculous amount of trash talking on the court. John Stockton was running his little mouth, Karl Malone was staring people down, and Allen Iverson was being cocky as all hell. Then my brother unveiled his idea to me: The NBA should offer a service where you could listen to games on TV as if they’re sitting courtside, meaning you’d get to hear all the talking on the court, from Stockton calling out a screen to Iverson calling out your mama.

The NBA has dabbled in the idea with referee and coach microphones, and Monday Night Football already places a microphone on a chosen player each week and airs the edited version at halftime. However, what they’re giving is the definition of tease. I want to hear it all. Why, you ask? Because I love to talk smack, I love feeding out the junk, and I love hearing the pros dish it out. The fact is, if you’re not talking trash, you’re not getting the fullest enjoyment out of a game. To celebrate the professional Shakespeares of smack, I bring you the top 10 trash-talkers in sports.

10. Michael Strahan?Who can forget his post-sack holler to Eagles quarterback McNabb: “Looks like you forgot to eat your Chunky Soup!” Not only was it hilarious, Campbell’s liked it so much that they signed him to do commercials. But one word for you Mike: orthodontist.

9. Mike Tyson?He threatens to eat opponent’s children. Enough said.

8. Charles Barkley?He was the funniest talker in the league. He once asked the extremely religious A.C. Green, “A.C., if God is so good, how come he didn’t give you a jump shot?”

7. Warren Sapp aka Warren Yapp Yapp Yapp? Tampa gets hot. He needs a cool glass of shut the hell up.

6. Paul Pierce/Antoine Walker?They are the cockiest duo in the NBA. I liked the “Walker Wiggle” until I had to see it over and over and over again in last year’s playoffs.

5. Reggie Miller?It’s “Miller Time.” Reggie after a game winning shot vs. Phoenix in 1997: “It was so quiet you could hear a rat pee on cotton.” He’s been known to talk so much trash at practice that he’s had to scuttle away from teammates trying to knock him out.

4. Terrell Owens?He’s always keeping it real. You can hate on him if you want, but I think his touchdown celebrations are hilarious. But he knows not to go signing footballs in Oakland or Philadelphia. Seattle was a smart choice, T.O.

3. Shannon Sharpe? He’s like Mr. Ed on crack. Sharpe proves over and over again that trash talk can affect games: Witness the Broncos’ Nov. 16, 1998 game against the Chiefs. On first down at the line of scrimmage Shannon blurts out “404.” On second down he screams out “555,” and on third down its “1212.” Turns out it was the phone number of Pro Bowl linebacker Derrick Thomas’s girlfriend. Thomas lost his cool, drew multiple personal foul penalties during the game, and the Broncos manhandled the Chiefs 30-7.

2. Gary Payton?He talks on the bench, talks at charity events and even talks in his sleep. A Denver player dared Payton to shoot a three during a game. He drained it, and every single time down the court afterwards he told the player: “That’s why I make $12 million.”

1. Michael Jordan?He talks trash with class. Jordan will tell you he’s going to drop 50 on you and then he’ll do it. Nobody backs it up more than MJ, and that’s why he’s got to go No. 1. Loves to hit the fade away and then say: “You almost got that one. You were this close.”

Baseball players are noticeably absent from my top 10 because they’re well aware of the fact that if they talk too much they’ll have 96 m.p.h fastballs flying at their heads. As for hockey, well, I’ll leave it up to the interpreters to decipher whether or not what comes out of those players’ mouths is trash talk. There are just too many nationalities and too many mouth guards.

If you don’t know how to talk trash and want to learn fast, I’ve got four words for you: White Men Can’t Jump. $9.99 at Best Buy. “We goin’ sizzla, we goin’ sizzla.”