If you’re anything like me, you’re probably a radical, right-wing gun-collector with a penchant for kinky bondage-style sex and a harrowing addiction to whippets. You probably also go to a fair number of concerts, which is a little closer to what I actually want to talk about. I’ve come up with a list of etiquette that concert-goers should adhere to when I am in attendance. These rules could also be generalized and applied to all of your fellow concert-goers, but for now lets just stick to making me happy.
1. Don’t touch me. There’s nothing worse than constantly being jostled by a faceless crowd of people you don’t know, except maybe being rabbit-punched in the back of the neck by me after you’ve touched me one too many times.
2. No, seriously, don’t touch me. I can’t stress this enough; if you can’t maintain a respectable distance, I’ll set my tazer to “deep fry.”
3. Don’t be tall. If you absolutely insist on being tall, don’t stand in front of me. It seems that no matter how close I get to the front of the stage, there is always a much taller person who is able to weasel in between me and the stage, making sure I get a generous eyeful of mullet instead of a view of the performers.
4. No moshing. Nothing screams repressed homosexuality more than a group of sweaty guys slamming into each other repeatedly for the ill-defined purpose of proving something about their masculinity in relation to listening to raucous music and running into things. These guys should just convert their jeans into cutoffs and save us all the trouble of seeing their overwrought displays of ostentatious machismo.
5. No spilling beer on me, especially when it’s done intentionally just to see my breasts; it cheapens us both and leaves permanent stains on my pleather leisure suits. Nor do I like the feeling of beer on my be-sandled feet, which is also an all-too-frequent occurrence both at concerts and parties.
6. No crowd surfing. If you want me to punch you in the face, just ask. You don’t need to kick me in the head with your hardcore-steel-toed-ass-kicking-punk boots to get my attention first.
7. You absolutely cannot wear the T-shirt of the band we are going to see. Your being at the concert in the first place implies that you like the band, so you don’t need to advertise further. Besides, if I need a lame segue into conversation with you, I’m not going to say something like, “Oh, you like (name of band) too? Wow, and I thought I was the only one here.”
8. Similar to number 7: No playing the band’s albums while driving to or from the concert. It’s not like you need to be reminded of what you just heard, unless your mom is driving, in which case she gets first choice of music.
9. Don’t go to a Dave Matthews concert unless you’re willing to back it up by having a scarlet letter “T” (for tool) tattooed on your forehead. Likewise, if you’ve ever claimed some sort of superiority for being into “Dave,” or anyone else for that matter, before they were popular, end yourself.
10. Don’t smoke weed unless you brought enough for everybody and are prepared to share.
11. Don’t ask me to step aside as if you were going to keep moving forward in the crowd and then just stop in front of me, especially if you happen to thrash around a lot in a horribly awkward and ungainly display of “jamming out,” as this really annoys me. And while you could argue that by stepping aside (done solely because I assumed you were going to keep moving), I gave you implied, non-verbal permission to stand in front of me, I could argue that they will never find your body.
If everybody were to follow these simple rules at concerts, everyone would be a lot happier and safer, so try to keep these in mind the next time our paths cross at a show.
Scott Matthews is a sophomore in the college and assistant leisure editor of The Georgetown Voice. He is also the dean of the college.
