Word. The Serm gave up on pro football this week after the Redskins put out the most boring NFL performance since [insert any Ravens game from 2000 here]. We vomited and left to seek sporting pleasure in other arenas.
College football sucks, too. Ohio State just isn’t fun anymore without losers like Andy Katzenmoyer around, Miami’s going to win anyway, and how about those Hokies? Wow. Words can’t describe all the action. Well, yeah they can: crappy, despicable, boring. BORING. Football is boring! Unless you are from Philadelphia, football sucks. And if you are from Philadelphia then, well damn, that sucks.
The only thing worth watching right now is pro basketball, which we will now describe with a veritable bevy of clever nicknames:
The Mavs, even without Nick “Remember when I shoved that referee over the scorer’s table?” Van Exel, are blowing up. Dirk “Don’t call me Diggler” Nowitzki is a double-double machine, and?yes, we’ll say it?the best player in the NBA.
If Shaquille “I’m fat” O’Neal stays injured all year, then the Mavs can take out West. That won’t happen, but as the Beach Boys say, wouldn’t it be nice? Kobe “I have the ugliest shoes ever” Bryant has been a real choke artist with Shaq on the bench. Without Phil “Phil Jackson” Jackson, the Lakers wouldn’t be able to run court two at Yates.
In the East, Jason “Yes, my wife’s name is actually Juwanna” Kidd is the best guard in the entire world, right after Kenny “I thought I could shoot” Satterfield. (That last one was a joke.) But anyway, the New Jersey Show is in effect, thanks to Richard “Keith Van Who?” Jefferson and Kenyon “The Sermon loves me” Martin. Nets in the East, again. Sorry Boston.
So until college hoops kicks off and Lute Olsen rides the deepest bench in the country to another Final Four, keep your eyes on the NBA. It shouldn’t be too hard if you live on campus, now that Channel 43 on HoyaNet is NBA-TV. Yes, there is a god. His name is David Stern.
And one more thing: Ashanti Cook is the truth. Well, two more things. Next week the WB is taking Blind Date to Washington. That should be a little more interesting than the Fun ‘N’ Gun. At the very least, we’ll see someone shirtless in Georgetown, and that can’t be all bad.
