OK, ladies and gentlemen, let’s play Six Degrees of Sports Separation, Thanksgiving Edition. We’re taking suggestions from the audience. Anyone? Where should we start?
Yes, you there. The man with no penis. Yes, you in the Kansas sweatshirt.
“Can you talk about Kirk Hinrich?”
Ah, the elfish one himself. Of course we can. Now, where should it end, folks? Who or what should the sixth degree be?
OK, you. Yes, the staunchly conservative white man in the green jacket. Go.
“Hello, my name is Cooter. Down here in Georgia, we’re big Michael Vick fans. Can you comment on him for a moment?”
Why certainly, you pitiful little man. But let’s start with Kirk and the Jayhawks:
1. Kansas boasted arguably the best team in the nation going into the season. After tearing up Holy Cross (dump) and UNC-Greensboro (bigger dump), the Jayhawks went to Maui and got thumped by the youngest team in the nation—North Carolina. Hinrich and the KU backcourt just decided to start throwing the ball out of bounds, and that didn’t serve them too well. Then they fell to No. 7 Florida. If Roy Williams can’t get these guys playing as a team by the time Big 12 play hits, this could be disastrous. But back to …
2.. North Carolina! The Heels are back! We’d call Rashad McCants “Baby Iverson” if he weren’t bigger and badder than A.I. With five straight wins and the Maui Invitational title, UNC is finally back in the Top 25. Matt Doherty can exhale now. And who went to Carolina? None other than …
3. Jerry Stackhouse of the Wizards! (Clonazepam) He’s a star, baby, a star. But the Wizards officially got the word last week: Jordan is out after this year. Mike, we love you babe. You’re a god. Thank you. Your legacy hasn’t been tarnished … just your marriage. And what about Washington’s other team? …
4. The Redskins! Dear sweet munificent Lord, Thanksgiving was despicable. They sucked. Emmit “The Record” Smith ran through the Skins like tackling dummies, reminding us that the only real football is …
5. College football! Rivalry weekend was hot. Oklahoma State bombed Oklahoma, knocking the Sooners out of the title race for the second year in a row. Georgia laughably demolished Georgia Tech, and Florida State beat Florida without Spurrier. Then there was Virginia’s dismantling at the hands of Virginia Tech, alma mater of …
6. Michael Vick! He can’t be stopped! The power of Christ compels you! AH!
