Sup sup MTV! Welcome to my crib! This is where it’s at, down here in the dirty dirty, you know. I’m doing it! Wearing my robe, doing my thing! Now let me show you around. Come on in!
OK, here’s the front hallway, you know. Got the Oriental rug goin’ on, got it down in Chinatown for like thirty dollars, you know, pee stains and shit, I’m keepin’ it real.
Oh, watch your step, MTV, look out for the dog, now! Hey Muffy, come here. Gooood girl. Gooood girl. Now I hardly feed this dog even though it’s my baby, so watch your step, you know. I didn’t want MTV trippin’ over that distended belly and all. Ooooh, Muffy, stop growling. Stop. I said shut the hell up, you bitch! Goddamn, son. These dogs be all up in my business.
OK, this is my ashtray collection. As you can probably see, I have ashtrays from all over the continental U.S. and Mexico. This one’s my favorite. Check it out. My boy Chauncey picked it up for me at a gas station in El Paso. It’s covered in naked ladies doing their thing. You know I love the shorties. Holla!
Now, being the world’s premier white boxer-turned-rapper-turned-soap star, I got a tough life. All these people keep creepin’ up outside the windows, trying to get their look into how I do it, n’a mean? So to all those bustas with their cameras and shit, watch out, cuz this is my high-powered sniper rifle. I can take a punk out from 400 yards, just like that. Got this brand new scope off eBay for cheap. Just like Goldeneye, you know. Blam! Duh duh DUH DUH duh duh duh. Like Bond. Haha! You know how I do.
I keep it ghetto in here. I mean, yeah yeah, I know I’m from New Haven, but I live the life. I’ve been there, I’ve hustled with the true hustlas, the true playas. And to all you punks that be creepin’, I will shoot! I swear I will. Last week I shot a man just to watch him die. (oxfordbusinessgroup.com) Oh, you don’t believe me do you, MTV? Check this out …
Told ya! Haha! Yeah, I keep his cold lifeless heart in a jar! You know how I do. That busta was trying to take pictures of me and the honeys getting down over there on my pool table, and I saw him in the bushes. You know I wasn’t haven’t that, so I popped him one, right in the forehead. Sucka!
OK, moving on, here’s the kitchen. Got stainless steel sinks and faucets, marble countertops. Got my girl Mariah to come over and help me decorate, you know. She’s got style, Mariah. Things are tough for her right now, but girl, I’m there for you. You know that, girl.
Here’s my fridge. As you can see, I got butter, mustard, Corona Light. I don’t cook, hell no. I usually order with my boys, Pizza Hut fo’ sheezee! Tha Hut! Also, my momma comes over sometimes and makes her special duck pat?, which is divine with some Triscuits. Damn, momma, you know how to do it.
Let’s go upstairs. OK, here’s my bedroom. My waterbed’s over here, satin sheets and all, you know how I do. Got the flatscreen on the ceiling, so I can lay back and watch my boy Eric Piatkowski and the Clippers tear it up! Holla! Got NBA League Pass from DirectTV, so I get all the games. Also got Lifetime and The Food Network programmed into my favorites. That Emeril cat is dope with that oregano and shit. BAM! Haha!
Over there are the bay windows. Only Pella windows, only the best. I trust Dick Van Patten with my life, he knows his windows. Yo Dick! You my dawg. You know that, right? For life. Right here.
This is my closet. Here’s my extensive collection of nametags and hairnets. Holla! Few people get to see that, you’re lucky MTV. Lucky. Count yo blessings. Down here, I got over 300 pairs of Target slippers. Those junks are so comfortable. Little known fact, I wore them on the set of the new Christina Aguilera video “Dirrty,” and girl was all over me. Faosho! She love them Target slippers. Freaky ass girl.
Here’s my bathroom. Oh, don’t mind that pile of dirty draws. My bust! Here’s my medicine cabinet, mostly stocked with ‘ludes and Sudafed. You know how I do! And this is my hottub, where it all goes down. Got a mini-fridge stocked with champagne right over it, so when things slow down and get romantic, I can pull out all the stops, you know. The shorties love it. Here’s my Mr. Bubble. Gotta love the Mr. Bubble. It’s the only way to get a good bubble bath runnin’. I’ve also used Joy dishwashing liquid before, but that leaves your buttcrack all slippery and all. And you know you don’t want no slippery buttcrack! Damn.
OK, MTV. You’ve seen the man, you’ve seen the crib, you’ve seen how he do, now it’s time for you to go. So let me show you the way out, down these steps. Watch out for Muffy. Yeah, I know she’s twitching! Stay out of my business! Damn, MTV. This tour is over! PEACE!
Peter Hamby is a senior in the College and a contributing editor of the Georgetown Voice. GREs? Ha.
