Playoff predictions, musings:
Steelers over Titans—There’s a simple reason for this. His name is Antwaan Randle-El, the best player in the NFL. Look for Bill Cowher to start Randle-El, the rookie out of Indiana, at quarterback. From there, Randle-El will look to pass deep to Randle-El, who will catch some blocks from Randle-El en route to yet another Randle-El touchdown. The Titans just won’t be able to keep up.
Whatever happened to Jevon Kearse? Is he dead?
Falcons over Eagles-Remember when Michael Vick was first emerging as a star quarterback at Virginia Tech? The media had a name for his kind: “the prototype quarterback for the newmillennium.” Translation: Black. Thanks, guilty white liberal media. Now, the two best quarterbacks in the league-Vick and Donovan McNabb—will face off. Vick, of course, has the edge since he is God. Donovan will be coming off an injury, and Andy Reid is fat.
What else? Oh yeah. EAGLES SUUUCK!!!! YOU SUCKITY SUCK SUCK!!!
Niners over Bucs—Coming off one of the best playoff games of the last decade, the Niners are riding high. They beat the Giants, refs or no refs. (https://tomadamswc.com) The Giants blew it. The Niners are hot. While we love Time Man of the Year Warren Sapp, his defense won’t be able to stop Terrell Owens and Jeff “Yes, I really am a Latino” Garcia. A Tampa Bay playoff win won’t be in the cards, once again. (Please note that we support this prediction without an ounce of analysis, statistical evidence or respectable journalism. Bite us.)
Jets over Raiders—Oh God, Raiders fans. They’re the Eagles fans of the west. They’re the grime and dirt of the earth, lacking all taste and respect. They litter the earth with their sad ugly children, and smell of feet. Johnny Cash once shot a Raiders fan just to watch him die.
Meanwhile, Chad Pennington is this year’s Tom Brady. His 22 TDs and 3,000+ yards make him a formidable enemy, even for co-MVP candidate Rich Gannon. Even though they are entering the cesspool of Oakland Coliseum, the Jets have all the momentum going into this game.
So enjoy your playoffs, have a safe weekend, study hard and remember: With the Jerry Jones Plastic Surgery Club for Men, you too can look like a bullfrog.
