In honor of Training Day’s debut on HBO, where it will inevitably be run over and over and over again until Ethan Hawke’s mustache actually seems attractive, this week The Serm divides the sporting world using “Denzel Terms.” As he said, you can either be two things in this raw and rugged life—a wolf or a sheep.
WOLF: The Raiders. MVP Rich Gannon made Chaddy-boy look like a chump. Going 20-30 with 283 yards and two big TDs, Gannon and the Oakland receivers lit up the Jets. Jerry “Not Rice, asshole” Porter caught six passes, averaging 10 yards per, and a touchdown. The Titans won’t able to handle ‘em.
SHEEP: The Falcons. What a boring game. Credit to the Eagles defense, and to Donovan, for proving their worth. Not that it needed to be proven. Why, Vick, why???.
WOLF: Duke. Man, this is terrible—we have to keep giving credit to those we hate. Anyway, Duke’s thrashing of Wake Forest on Sunday, along with last night’s victory over Virginia, just shows how well this team is coached.
Few teams can go the distance relying on shooting alone, but Coach K’s Blue Devils have a definite chance to go to the Final Four. Goddammit.
SHEEP: UCLA. Dear Lord, what happened? They were blown out by St. John’s! St. John’s! A team with as much depth, talent and versatility as UCLA should be riding it straight into the top 20.
Now, it finally looks like the fault lies clearly with Stevey Lavin.
WOLF: Mike Bibby on NBA 2K3. Speed, shooting and ballhandling. Now we have an excuse not to pass to Chris Webber.
SHEEP: Kwame Brown. Well, apparently Michael Jordan was wrong. But, of course, once Washington trades him away he will become the next Garnett.
WOLF: Bingo Merriex, Texas Christian forward. Check him out.
SHEEP: Joe Lieberman. He’s a hypocrite.
WOLF: Ron Artest. He’s the best defender in the NBA, and if you actually get by him, he’ll break your ribs.
SHEEP: The Sermon. Last week we went 0-4 in playoff predictions. 0-4! Can you believe it? We haven’t seen such utter incompetence since … well, didn’t we rank Arizona number one in the preseason?
WOLF: Those new ESPN ads. Because without sports, we wouldn’t have a reason to pretend we know what the hell we’re talking about every week.
