In honor of our men’s basketball team being the worst performing overtime team in recent history, I bring you a list of the worst in sports:
Worst Sports Innovation—Selling stadium naming rights. Yeah, the team gets over $100 million for the name, but names like Lincoln Financial Field and 3COM Park are destroying sports. My goal in life is to make enough money that I can pay to name a Philadelphia arena “Suck one, N.Y.” Stadium.
Worst Fans—A tie between those people that sit behind home plate on their cell phones and wave to the camera and those people who sell their tickets to visiting team fans.
Worst Draft Pick—In 1984, Sam Bowie was selected No. 2 overall by the Portland Trailblazers, followed by No. 3 Michael Jordan, No. 5 Charles Barkley, No. 16 John Stockton.
Worst Contract—Albert Belle and the Baltimore Orioles. He’s been retired for a few years now but he’s still being paid $12,368,790. Next time you go buying that Orioles ticket in Red Square, know that a piece of your money is going to Albert Belle’s anger management therapy.
Worst Trade—How about Pedro Martinez for Delino Deshields, or Larry Anderson for Jeff Bagwell? But I have to go with basketball and the draft rights of the best all-around player in the NBA, Kobe Bryant, for “Vladi-dadi we likes to party” Divac. While I hate the Lakers more than stadiums that still play “Who Let the Dogs Out,” I gotta give credit to Jerry West for pulling that one off.
Worst Management Decision—Jerry “Jabba the Hut” Krause breaking up the dynasty that was the Bulls. Every time I see M.J. being crossed over by a next-generation NBA baller, I blame him.
Worst Looking Team—The Milwaukee Bucks, led by Sam Cassell. Insert E.T. picture here.
Worst Sports Movie—Any movie produced by ESPN.
Worst Team to be a Fan of—Cincinnati Bengals. They have the No. 1 pick this year. If I were them I’d go ahead and pull a LeBron James: Get a local store to offer free retro jerseys to Michael Vick’s little brother, get him declared ineligible, then draft him. Virginia Tech first-year quarterback Marcus Vick might be a few years away from dominating the NFL, but he’s the only chance the Bengals have.
Worst Cheerleader—Mark Madsen of the L.A. Lakers. I wish Phil Jackson would start giving him some playing time so he’d stop being so happy with his role as “run-on-the-court-and-give-high-fives-during-time-outs” guy.
Worst Cheer—Anything dealing with a rally monkey and thunder sticks. But, I have heard from reliable sources that “Hoya Saxa” is pretty close.
Worst Personality—Ryan Leaf. During college at Washington State, he was rarely allowed into parties and often kicked out of bars. The fact that he didn’t take full advantage of his star quarterback life (e.g. the Kerry Collins life of excess booze and women) lands him the worst personality in sports.
Worst Athlete to Land a Hot Wife—I guess Jason Sehorn has some brains under those Pert Plus locks. He knew to marry the super-sexy Angie Harmon before he was relegated to nickel-back/punt coverage duty. Sehorn is followed closely by a man who’s used to coming in second: the one and only man-breast jiggling Phil Mickelson, who is married to Sports Illustrated model Amy McBride. He’d also get my vote for best rack in sports.
Worst Sport to Watch—Women’s basketball. So Lisa Leslie becomes the first and only woman in the WNBA to dunk, then states, “They’re saying now I’ve got to reverse it, and the tomahawk is next.’’ Doubt it. The next thing getting dunked in the WNBA is the WNBA. The XFL made more money.
I hope you’ve enjoyed the negativity caused by my being a Georgetown basketball fan. I assure you that once the Hoyas become the best at something (besides being the “Best Reason to Hit the Bottle in the Afternoon”), a more cheerful list will follow.
